taterthoughts

And away I go...

2011-11-05T00:52:00.000-07:00

This week was my first flight/trip without the lil bubba and I have to say, it was a little surreal. It feels like a lifetime away since I've taken a trip on my own - without my husband, without my baby. Without a car seat stroller, baby carrier, diapers and wipes, baby toys, baby food, baby bottle. Without having to plan my day around nap times and feedings. Just me and my 1 bag. Amazing.

There were also a lot of the small things I noticed, appreciated, missed in addition to the big things. I'll start with what I appreciated. Travel, is of course, a million times simpler. I have more room in my luggage for my own stuff. I'm not lugging around a ton of things. I don't have to get in the long check-in line to get lil bubba's boarding pass (which you have to do for a "lap child"). The security line doesn't involve breaking down the stroller and car seat, unstrapping him, carrying him through the scanner, reassembling the stroller, car seat and re-strapping him in, in addition to the usual business of taking out my laptop, taking off my shoes, etc.

I also got to sleep when I wanted to on the flight, read a book, listen to my ipod, write this blog entry, watch a movie uninterrupted. Eat a meal continuously. How crazy that it feels like such a long time ago when this felt normal but is now a luxury.

And during the trip, I got to sleep longer than 6 hours at night, go out to dinner past baby bedtime with colleagues to baby un-friendly restaurants with loud blues performances, cramped tables, a hip atmosphere. They were late dinners with even later karaoking, dueling piano bars and dance floors with great DJs (way less awkward this time around not having a baby strapped to my body).

The sole reminder of my duties as a mom was when I had to pump right before going out to dinner each night and how I had to head home by midnight to pump again because my boobs were about to explode (but they were just about to do the Cupid Shuffle!).

And then there's the intellectual stimulation. I feel really fortunate to have gotten this time to reflect on my own practice, learn from smart colleagues, meet people who I deeply respect, think about how I need to develop and grow as a leader, grapple with what it means to truly be part of a movement that is about race, class and privilege. I intentionally made an effort to talk to and meet with people very different than myself to broaden my own limited perspective.

We visited the civil rights museum - the location where Martin Luther King was assassinated, we talked about the movement that abolished slavery in England in the 1800s and how so much still needs to change today. We talked about what it truly means to be part of a community. It was profound for me.

At this point, you may be thinking, does she even like being a mom? Does she remember the little one she has at home?

Rest assured, I had my moments. Believe it or not, I actually missed having him in my lap on the flight. To pinch his cheeks, kiss his forehead, play with him and get him to smile and laugh.

My husband has been sending me pictures all week - "lil bubba wakes up!," "lil bubba during bath time," etc. I was really happy to hear he's doing well and happy. I was also sad that I was missing his happiness and smiles. I so wanted to be there for those pictures after a while, and heck, why is he so happy with his mom gone? Shouldn't he be a little sad?

Towards the end of the week, I started to flip through all my pics of him on my phone during the conference breaks because I needed something to make me feel like he was close by even if he wasn't. I had the most ridiculously dumb smile on my face as I looked through these. I bonded with other colleagues who were new parents because it was another way to feel connected to my little one, and to my identity as a mom.

To be clear, this part of me and the other side are not mutually exclusive. This part of my identity never dissipated when I was experiencing the other things - in fact, it just added a richer layer to everything else.

For example, going out to dinner each night and having fun afterwards, turned out to be setting an example to my other younger coworkers that being a parent and maintaining your spirit for life was possible in our organization and as a women (I didn't know I was doing this until they told me on the last day). And when we have convos about what kind of education all children deserve, I think about the little bubba and what I want for him as a parent now, how privileged I really am and what it means for my work for every other family that doesn't have what I have.

The circuits in my brain are going full force these days about this stuff. Layers and layers and layers. It's an onion, and I'm loving having the chance to peel them back one trip, experience and moment at a time.

And I'm back...

2011-07-25T21:26:00.000-07:00

It was with a lot of anticipation, anxiety and excitement that I had been awaiting my first day back at work. Last night, I spent 2 hours packing my work bag just right, picking out the right outfit that said "I'm still a professional" and "I don't look pregnant anymore," picking out the perfect photos of the little bubba to put up at my desk so I could look at them when I missed him greatly. All the little things that I could control that would make me feel less stressed about it all.

But despite those things I was still having an identity crisis. Over the last few days, I think the tension between my desired identity as a good mom, successful professional, thoughtful wife and just an interesting person were all colliding and I couldn't make order of who I needed/wanted to be at which moment. I'm sure my husband would agree since he had to deal with my craziness. On the one hand, I wanted to be home as much as possible after work. On the other hand, I wanted to still have a life outside of work and my son. On one hand, I wanted my husband to be able to go see friends and organize social activities. On the other hand, I felt like he'd never understand prioritizing our son the way a mom does (which is silly, I know). I didn't know quite how I would really feel when today came, who of these personas would come out more and predictably, last night the indications of anxiety began to surface.

Last night, as I was holding the little bubba in my arms right before we put him to bed, we decided to take a photo of me and him - to commemorate this moment. After the photo, and as he was staring innocently at me, I started to tear up because his life was flashing before my eyes, growing up in daycare and school while I was at work, me missing all the big moments, how my heart had already started to ache in missing him even though he was right in front of me still. How I jump ahead.

Last night, I also had this dream in which I was starting my first day in college, but I had forgotten which classes I had signed up for and had a sinking feeling I was going to miss the first day of class for one or more of them, setting myself up to fail them from day one. I was also sharing my house with a bunch of other students and the way the showers were set up, I ended up having to shower out in the open in the big living room, where everyone could see me in all my nakedness. And then, right in the middle of the shower, just when I lathered all the shampoo in my hair, the water got shut off and I had to wait for it to turn back on, mid-shower. After it became evident that the water was not coming back on, I had to get dressed, lathered hair and all, and get to class 30 minutes late. In the end, the professor was late too, so I didn't miss anything. It's not that hard to interpret though. First day of school = first day back to work. Having to shower in front of everyone = the vulnerability I felt coming back to work (how I look to others post pregnancy, the fact that I have to pump milk in a conference room with my shirt open twice a day, how I would be perceived as a mom - instead of a professional, etc). Being late/missing class = worried about getting to work late today, about being behind the ball, missing something, not being as good as I was before I left. But like my dream, I think I knew, that in the end, it would all turn out fine.

So how did it go, you ask? That's the funny thing. In many ways, it felt really anti-climactic after all that build up. I gave Spencer a kiss in the morning and handed him off. I got to work a little early. I got through most of my emails. I didn't have any emotional breakdowns and I picked up little bubba right on time from daycare, with not too much traffic. Brought him home, played with him and then put him to bed. End of story.

To be honest, it was so great to see all my coworkers again, sit at my desk, turn on my Outlook, put together my day's to-do list and worry about problems to solve that were different than what toy he wants to play with or what type of bottle he drinks out of best.

But I also felt the urgent need to put up my little bubba's photos immediately, so that I could be reminded of him and see him and know that that's also part of me that I so strongly identify with now, that I can't leave behind. I was also so excited to leave work and to see him the minute I arrived at day care - it was like there weren't enough minutes in the day for me to just stare at his face and hold him. The strangest part of today was that when I brought little bubba home, as I was staring at him and playing with him, it was almost as if the day at daycare had already begun to change/shape him into a different baby while I was gone. I heard a different laugh that I never heard before. He seemed exceptionally happy, perhaps a result of a different kind of interaction with his new friends at daycare. His neck seemed so much stronger already. Even his hair looked like it fell a different way than this morning. All this, I may be imagining, but it's also the reality of the months ahead - staying strong to each of my identities, yet inevitably losing a little bit of each one in the process.

Ah, well, that was day one. Let's see what my dreams tonight will tell me.

For giving and for getting

2011-06-30T20:20:00.000-07:00

Tonight, I cancelled dinner plans to stay back at home with the little bubba so that my hubs can go out to dinner with some friends, sans baby. It's been a long day with the bubba, but my hubs has had a long week too and I often forget what it feels like from his perspective.

Since the baby, I've often been caught up with my situation, how much of my time I give to the baby, how much I need my husband to help, etc. But I also am lucky enough to get to spend all day with the little kiddo and see him grow in every small way. From my husband's perspective, he gets to see the little guy a couple of hours each night (and always with me, so he doesn't have a lot of alone time with him), always feels guilty for not doing enough (and feeling like I think he doesn't do enough), that whatever free time he has on the weekdays, he should be spending it with me or his son. Which leaves him with very little time for himself, or to see his friends on his own.

He's encouraged me to make dinner plans sans baby at least once a week and said that he would watch the kiddo for me since he knows I need a break. Yesterday, I went to dinner with a friend and the hubs watched him. In the 3 hours that I was gone, he washed the dishes I left in the sink, emptied the dishwasher, gave the little one a bath, fed him, put him to sleep, scraped together some dinner and proceeded to take all our blinds down from 13 windows in the house (in preparation for the blinds guy coming today) until he almost injured his shoulder. While I know he still doesn't quite understand how hard it is to take care of a kiddo all day long, I do know that he tries. To the best that he can, given the minor reality that he will never be able to breastfeed or bear children (nor does he want to).

One of my friends said that once she had her child, there was no one else in the world she loved more - not her parents, not her husband. It was an unconditional, overwhelming love that she had never experienced before and it was incomparable to anything she had felt previous. While I also feel an overwhelming love for my son - something that I never knew could feel this amazing - it's weeks like this that remind me how much I love my husband too and the import of appreciating him and of remembering to give because I know he's trying too and, afterall, this is teamwork.

The Bubba vs. the Momma

2011-06-09T20:58:00.000-07:00

The Bubba: farted in the bath and little poo particles floated out, peed all over momma's shirt while breastfeading, woke up from nap exactly in the second momma sat down for dinner, no nap time longer than 30 min all day

Momma: went for a run, showered, had both lunch and dinner while hot, exhausted and has to do it all over again tomorrow!

Then the Bubba was all smiles for a whole 20+ minutes and then it was no contest...

Success

2011-05-23T12:54:00.000-07:00

Who knew that success for me these days would mean not getting any spit up on the bubba's clothes? Sigh. How times have changed.

On a different note, picking up his birth certificate today - exciting!

what goes around, comes back around again...

2011-05-01T22:23:00.000-07:00

My parents just left today, after living with us for the last month, helping with the little bubba and with my recovery. It's strange because I know that both my parents and I are left with competing emotions of both sadness and the desire to resume our normal lives again.

I have to admit, I had some reservations about having my parents live with us for a whole month. I haven't done that in over a decade and wasn't sure how it was going to go. but as far as potential family tensions go, they have been amazing. so loving and thoughtful and respectful of roger and my life here in this house. i don't know what i would have done without them the last few weeks.

i'm trying to imagine being in their shoes and what it must have felt like living here and helping and now leaving. at the door when we were saying goodbye, my mom started tearing up and then crying and gave me a big hug. i was totally taken aback. in my mind, i would see them again soon and was not prepared for an emotional goodbye. and you have to understand, my mom does not cry very often. when she does, it breaks my heart. so when she came in for the hug, with tears in her eyes, of course, it triggered immediate tears from me. i hugged her tight and couldn't let go for what felt like a long time.

what was she most sad about leaving behind? being able to spend real quality time with her grandson? with her daughter who she hasn't done that with in a really long time? feeling needed and appreciated again the way she used to when her kids truly depended on her for their happiness? it made me think about how rewarding and hard it must be to be a mom (or parent, really) and what my mom has gone through with us and seeing us grow up. in the beginning, they are like my little bubba. entirely dependent on me for their existence. then, as they become toddlers or even young children, they still are dependent on you but also give you complete and total unconditional love. as they get older, say, middle school, you as a parent may feel that first tension or resistence they have about you. they think you don't know everything and that you don't understand them. they are embarrassed of you. how heartbreaking that must be. then, they actually don't need you as much anymore. in fact, they soon become teenagers and then adults and grow into their independent lives, maybe move away, call every so often and during holidays. but you may feel that they are absorbed in their own lives, that you play a smaller and smaller role in their everyday.

It must be hard then, to be my mom, who has adjusted to that phase and then come here, where she is all of a sudden, totally needed again. if i were her, i'd love that feeling again. her daughter is asking her for advice. appreciating her cooking and helping. asking her to help with taking care of her grandson. it feels lively, like a full house again with a sense of purpose for why she is there. just like it was when we were younger. and now, that fades away again. she'll go back home, of course, to the comfort of her own home, own bed. to her garden and her clothes and tools. her neighborhood and routine. but something must feel missing in that. it would for me. her grandson is now growing up hundreds of miles away from her after she has tended to him every day for the first month of his life. her daughter is going to learn to be independent of her again, after needing her so much for several weeks. and there must be a sense of emptiness in that.

even for me, i am looking forward to resuming my life here. figuring out my own rhythm and routine with this little guy in my life now. on maternity leave and then when i start working again. but at the same time, it was SO nice being cared for again. having my mom here who just knows what i need to feel better and feel taken care of. to be able to have my parents in my son's life and for them to get to see him change and grow with each day. and that is suddenly gone. and it does feel a little empty.

it also makes me think about how my parents are also getting older. that one day, i may be the one to help take care of them this way. that i might be the one to cook and clean for them - when they need me the most. this I will, of course, do for them, no questions asked. it is the least i can do with everything they have given me. it is what i hope my little bubba will do for me and dodger one day.

talk about getting ahead of myself though. what's up with these hormones?

Three years later...

2011-04-23T22:29:00.000-07:00

Wow. It's been more than 3 years since my last post. I can't believe how life and time just passes you by. That's in part why I wanted to resurrect my posts again. How else will I remember my random thoughts. Probably, now more than ever, I need an outlet like this to be able to give me the personal space to think again.

What's changed in the last 3 years? I guess all of life's great and bigger transitions have all been compressed in this time frame. I got married. We bought a house. Both my hubs and I have new jobs. I learned what this whole pregnancy and labor was all about and two weeks ago, we welcomed a small precious little son into our lives. It's been both amazing and a lot to take on at the same time and trying to keep some semblance of all the different pieces of yourself, from your past, present to who you want to be in the future, in tact takes a lot of constant work.

Even though these are all the "grown up" things that one is supposed to do at this time in life, there's something to be said about remembering that life is for the light of heart - especially in times when you feel like life has to be so serious. dodger and I have seen too many of our friends hold the weight of mortgages, stress of work and responsibility of kids on their shoulders and you slowly see the youth and joy slip from their everyday experiences. This is something we've promised each other that we won't lose.

Enter: the little bubba. While motherhood and parenthood have been truly amazing overall, I think one can't help but feel like some of that youth slips away. You aren't on just your schedule anymore. Someone else's life is now, literally, in your hands. He poops and pees when he feels like it, sleeps when he feels like it, and eats when he feels like it (at the deteriment and pain of yours truly - bleeding nipples anyone?). If you don't feed him, he won't survive. If you don't care for him, he won't survive. It's kind of mindblowing. All things they tell you and obviously you know, when you enter into this adventure, but man, when it hits you, it REALLY hits you.

Don't get me wrong. He's one amazing experience to behold and with each growing day, I am falling more and more in love in a way I thought I never could feel. And the relationship is so complex when I throw in the love I have for my husband and then the collective love we both have for our son. But I'm still in a place right now where I do feel the weight of his world on my shoulders and I'm struggling to find the tightrope line where I can balance who I was before this with who I need and want to be moving forward. I want to be fun! I want to see friends! I want to be a great mom and a supportive wife! What that looks like, for me, for our family, remains to be seen.

Stay tuned for some potentially late night posts as I enter the world of sleep deprivation in the coming weeks and months...

Overheard at the Post Office

2008-07-07T16:32:00.000-07:00

This old man was standing in line in front of me at the post office today. He had respiratory problems so sat down in the corner waiting until it was his turn to mail his package. His voice was strong, but his body was feeble.

Finally on his turn, the post office teller asks if there is anything fragile or breakable in the package. He can't hear her so she resorts to, "what's in the package?"

He states, "Underwear."

For the next several minutes I begin hypothesizing on why this would be. Dirty laundry to send to a daughter to wash? New underwear for a family member? A weird fetish with a pen pal? I couldn't figure it out. What do you think?

Ching Ming Jie

2008-03-31T15:56:00.001-07:00

This past weekend, I went down to LA to visit my parents and it happened to be the weekend before Ching Ming Jie, "Mourning Day" or "Tomb Sweeping Day" in Chinese tradition. On this day (this coming Friday officially), families go to the tombs of their ancestors, clean it, bring food for them and pay their respects.

My grandparents (Mom's side) are buried at Rose Hills, what is know today to be the largest cemetery in the world (with 1400 acres). Even at 10 a.m. on Sunday, there were lines and lines of cars there - afterall, there are a lot of Chinese in SoCal and this is the world's largest cemetery.

We brought a roasted chicken, some cha shui, fruit, chopsticks and plates, wine and even 7-Up for my grandparents to consume in the afterlife. We also brought a large tin to burn the fake paper money and paper clothes, shoes, etc. that my grandparents could use in the afterlife. I respect the Chinese tradition in this - I even enjoy it, but I wonder how much of this will carry on when I have a family.

This was one of the few times I had come with my family back to the cemetery, one of the first few times since the funerals in fact. And when I say my family, I mean my aunts, uncles and cousins too - it's always a big family affair.

It made me realize how much I miss my grandparents since they've passed away (on both sides of the family). They were such a big part of my life growing up, complex in our relationship, but simple and true in their affection for their kids and grandkids. It started to hit me - all the memories and love they offered and I started to tear up at the cemetery. I talked to both my grandma and grandpa, telling them about how I'm getting married this year, how I missed them and think about them often. And I realized that I didn't even remember the date they passed away. Something I feel like I should know.

So I wrote it down. I know they are with me still. Rest in Peace Poi Poi and Gong Gong. I love you and miss you.

Teoh San Wu
Sept. 9, 1922 - Nov. 29, 2001

Shein Kwee Lee Wu
March 11, 1922 - June 12, 2000

why i am voting for change

2008-02-04T23:24:00.000-08:00

it's been a long while since i last wrote. and yes, wedding planning is going surprisingly well. dodger has been amazing at being a true partner in the process and it's nowhere as stressful or crazy as some people have made it out to be. lucky us. keep fingers crossed that it stays that way.

but the real reason i'm writing tonight, is because, since it is the night before the primary elections, i felt compelled to express why i am voting for obama.

i know their stance on issues is almost the same. that either of them in office is a first for minority peoples. for me the true difference comes down to their approach to politics. and the closest analogy i can draw is one that is close to the heart.

when the district i am working at hit a bottom about four years ago, there were a lot of approaches that could have been taken to help fix the system, governance, leadership. in fact, within the system, there were a lot of different approaches going on a the same time - not sure which was working the best. now, four years later, we have seen three leaders try their hand at change, improvement, reform. whatever you want to call the efforts.

there was the approach of trying to take a tough stance, make/dictate decisions using authoritative power, without much community building or listening, some basic freedoms taken away, deciding what was best for us while not always revealing all the facts. (sound familiar. maybe a bush?) then there was the slow and steady approach. work within the bureaucracy and the system. don't rock the boat, just make the boat work better. an executive but not a visionary. (hillary maybe?).

and now, while not quite the same as obama, we have a leader who is not afraid of change. someone who comes off as the everyday man and can relate to everyone from the mayor to the janitor in our building. he has a sense of humor, is human, can inspire. and he's invested in change, not governance. he's not in it for his own glory but to help the ones who need it the most, our children. And i'm seeing the difference in our results. and importantly, i feel it in the system. people are inspired and excited. there is a belief in the work again.

at any rate, i feel like i'm living and experiencing what i see obama could be for this country. i am not in the mindset of the heavy-handed approach. taking away my civil liberties? no privacy in the name of a war on terrorism? no thanks. i'm also less in the slow and steady camp of governance and policy making because so many before have tried that and haven't give us the change that we need in a time like now. we need a rejuvenation. at least a leader who is walking into office believing in change, rather than one who has given up on that idea before they even step through the door (i am optimistic here as i acknowledge that things maybe harder once he enters office, but that's a risk i'm willing to take). and he's a believer in community organizing and inspiring civic duty, which i'm a fan of.

anyway, that's my rant. see you at the polls tomorrow!

always handy to have around

2007-12-14T10:08:00.000-08:00

IM from this morning

tatertot: don't worry

tatertot: i have a packet of fake mustaches

tatertot: they are always handy to have around

tatertot: just cuz

ld wha?

2007-12-12T20:53:00.000-08:00

i will say for the record that long distance sucks more when you thought it wasn't a long distance relationship and it actually is...

the grumps and happiness

2007-11-16T00:14:00.000-08:00

work made me grumpy today (and lately), so i thought i'd try to focus on the positive. With Thanksgiving coming up, I thought I'd start by listing out some of the good stuff.

I heart:

when music gives me goose bumps
seeing dads walk their kids to school
the smell of a freshly peeled orange
the awesomeness that is my family (see family bingo)
when my fiance lays his head in my neck
unexpected analogies
my mom's cooking
Grease 2
thoughtful gifts
waking up to a clean room
my new (red) nano ipod (haven't gotten it in the mail yet, but I know I will heart it)
the kisses on a good day and hugs on a bad day

What are some of yours?

and it's another year

2007-11-12T22:59:00.000-08:00

i know i have been horrible at writing lately. i know i do it to myself. between birthdays (so many scorpios!), wedding planning (yes, we've actually picked it up again after a few weeks of hiatus), the work for the two boards i'm on, and trying to see the dodger what little time he's around, it always feels a little crazy around here. there have been many an occasion i've wanted to post. you know i love the reflecting. for now, i thought i'd share a sweet email birthday wish i got the day i turned the big 3-0 this year. Thanks Tim! ;)

From Tim:
Just wanted to wish you a fun and exciting Happy Birthday!

Your first one as an engaged person!
Your last one as a non-married person!
Your 30th one as a Little D

Okay, but seriously...

2007-10-31T11:04:00.000-07:00

For those of you who have heard about my love affair with San Francisco, well, too bad, you are going to hear some more. As a testament to all the things I love about this place, here’s a sampling of activities just in this past weekend alone. This is in addition to the usual parties, concerts and shows, etc. I heart this place.

Mission Indie Mart: it started as a design fair of sorts in a backyard with beers and music and has evolved into a lil event with 45 local vendors (vintage gear, sock monkeys, letterpress, cupcakes, belts made from tires, etc.) “Good stuff, fun clothes, stuff for the ladies and the fellas. Lots of eye candy, some rock and roll, shopping and good times!”

Illegal Soap Box Derby: Decked out, makeshift soap box races down beautiful Bernal Hill. Last one of the season. Go!

Cardboard Tube Fighting League Tournament: Yes, it is exactly what it sounds like.

Chomp! A Carnivorous Plant Exhibit: At the Conservatory of Flowers in Golden Gate Park. Flesh-eating plants. Gotta love ‘em.

quote of my night

2007-09-23T21:36:00.001-07:00

dodger says, of his morale, "i am deflated - like a sad balloon."

quote of my morning

2007-09-22T10:33:00.000-07:00

of my fingers, dodger says, "they are nimble, like the children of the industrial age."

engaging

2007-09-03T22:14:00.000-07:00

it's so weird to suddenly be engaged. one day i'm my normal self and then the next day i have this ring on my finger and people are congratulating me and asking questions. i get to hear from my friends i haven't talked to in a while. i see dodger in a different light. i can't explain it except to say - oh my god. this man will be my husband. oh my god. for the rest of my life. and that more than i've ever felt before in our four years of dating that i really feel like one half of a couple. we've always been so independent, but it feels different now. i'm ready for the rest of my life with him and it starts today.

of course this also comes with the family dealio. this weekend i coincidentally had a trip planned back to see my parents so of course my mom organizes a dim sum with 25 of my relatives. i was thinking of posting all the chinese american things i'm going to have to encounter as part of this little experiment called my wedding celebration. this weekend was the "you need to buy a box of candy for each household that's coming to dim sum" tradition. Also, apparently See's Candies is the gift of choice. Of course it is. In one of those it's so chinese but yet so not chinese traditions.

I don't know where to start really. i don't think i'm ready to think about it. give me a few weeks to just enjoy being engaged. but thankfully, i have girlfriends who have either recently gone through or are going through this process themselves. and i'm talking the type of girlfriends who have color-coded excel spreadsheets and pivot tables dedicated to this type of stuff. gotta love the alpha woman.

being the first in my generation on my mom's side to be married is a big deal. come follow me through the craziness in the next coming months. Dodger and I were calculating that if we just counted our aunts, uncles and cousins, we'd come to 106 guests already. Crazy times ahead. Crazy times I say...

full moon

2007-08-28T02:21:00.000-07:00

saw the full moon tonight. but missed the eclipse.

it was bright
and dark
it was beautiful
and sad
and happy
and romantic
and lonely

hotness is always the tiebreaker

2007-07-30T23:46:00.000-07:00

are you a designerslashmodel?

http://designerslashmodel.com/

tomorrow!

2007-07-30T08:05:00.001-07:00

it's coming! after three years of transition, international travel and long distance, my boyfriend is finally moving back to town tomorrow. same time zone. shabu. yay. welcome back to sf, dodger!

ready?

2007-07-28T02:01:00.000-07:00

let's jump.

In the middle

2007-07-23T01:04:00.000-07:00

My Midwest experience prior to this weekend had consisted of living in Chicago for a couple of years. And even then, this really meant Evanston, IL with a trip to Chicago once or twice a week. And it was really for business school – which is a microcosm of weirdness in and of itself.

So when I arrived in Cleveland for the first time this weekend for a wedding I was in, I didn’t really know what to expect. Sure, I’ve met tons of people from the Midwest and some of these folks are good friends, but they are usually of the variety that don’t want to go back, so they naturally represent a different sample of Midwestern natives.

A few highlights from the weekend that give you a taste of that area in the middle:

Service Guy Jim
About 25 minutes into being late/lost for a spa appointment with the bride, my girlfriend Cole and I decide to pull over and figure out where the hell we are. No phone numbers available (long story) and no maps (no excuse) and we weren’t sure if we were ever going to get there when Service Guy Jim pulls up behind us. He’s wearing a bright yellow t-shirt that says “Service Village” on it and is driving a big blue truck with a siren on it. He has a very grandpa-like beard. He asks if we are lost and tries to caravan us over to our destination a few miles away. Only to find that damn Google maps is completely wrong and we end up in a set of residential streets (though I’ll admit, my first thought was – we are going to a spa in someone’s house? Cleveland?). So SG Jim is stumped and decides to call the guy at the police department to help us find the real location. Yes, there seems to be “the guy at the police department” who you can call. We thank him for being so helpful and he says, “If it was my niece or wife in this situation, I’d want someone to help them like this.” True that, Cleveland. But they might be shit out of luck in a place like NY or SF. But we decided not to tell him that. He doesn’t get much help from his police friend and decides we should drive to his office. We meet Claire and Ben, his other staff members who are trying to look up our location online and we finally figure out that where we need to go was actually 7 minutes from our hotel. Jackpot! 45 minutes late and we finally make it. He caravans us over, waves goodbye and drives off into the sunset. And even though “service” in his job means checking streetlights and roads, I have a feeling it means something more in this town than other cities.

Marc’s
Cole and I make a necessary stop to Marc’s, the local equivalent to CVS or Rite Aid (but it’s cheaper and with a strange Walmart feel). The hotel we are staying at doesn’t have conditioner, lotion or toothpaste (or daily housekeeping). Yeah – don’t ask. We finally get to the check-out and it feels like not only is every line moving at a snail’s pace, so are the people waiting in line. I thought West Coasters are laid-back, but this was kind of silly. We finally get to the register when the slow register lady says, “Sorry, no Mastercard or Visa. Discover, cash or check only.”
Me: blinks like she just unexpectedly spoke Burmese. “Sorry?”
Slow lady: “No Mastercard. Only cash, check or Discover.”
Me: (where the hell are we????). “Oh, okay.”

The Boneyard
After the rehearsal dinner, a few of us decide to go to “the” bar nearby, the Boneyard. Oh, the Boneyard. To be fair, we are in Mayfield Heights, a smaller suburb 20 minutes from Cleveland proper, so for all those Cleveland-ites out there, this may not be a fair representation of your city. However, a fellow Ohio native I went with claims this place is, however, “very Ohio” in all its glory. It’s a big brick building that spans half the block and has one of those huge, dark parking lots where bar brawls happen in the movies. With signs like “Eat, Drink and Remarry,” a wide beer selection including MGD and Bud, a video arcade and a cover band playing Livin’ On A Prayer, I get the gist. And, no, we didn’t stick out like a sore thumb because I was one of two minorities there, we were all from out of town and we were all dressed in semi formal clothes amist the t-shirts and jeans. No, not at all. Nonetheless, it was lots of fun because of the company, if not the vibe.

Cornnuts
As background, virtually every response from friends when I eat Cornnuts is, “Who eats Cornnuts?!” Well, apparently, Midwesterners. The ultimate underrated snack food. If you don’t already, you should know that I love Cornnuts. The crunch. The flavors. Chile Lime. Ranch. Hold me back. I actually like to pour them all out of the bag, eat all the puffy ones first (the crunch!) and then eat the rest. I know. It’s a problem. I used to eat them virtually every day in high school and now, I seek them out on road trips and during visits to 711. This was not an exception in Cleveland. But, the fabulous thing here is that people don’t think it’s weird! My friend from Indiana said I had some Midwest in me afterall and the guy who works at 711 confirmed this. His exact response when I asked if this was true: “Oh yeah. Huge here. We love Cornnuts.”

Big Vehicles and Big Hearts
When my girlfriend was dating a boy from Ohio a while back, she told me that his mom drove a big Escalade and that she was thinking about getting fancy rims for them. I thought this was the weirdest thing since I’ve always associated rims and Escalades to the likes of Puff Daddy. Feel me? But now I finally understand. Everyone here, including the Midwestern moms who quilt, like driving big cars and big trucks. Service Guy Jim had one. As did several of the moms involved in the wedding. And I’m talking massive things that require a step ladder. It’s about the big vehicles, drinking beer and sports around here. Oh, and white people. Lots of them.

But one thing that I really appreciate about the visit, and of my friends from the Midwest is that no matter who you are, they welcome you with open arms into their stores, their homes and their families. People went above and beyond what they would have for both strangers and friends and were just nice for the sake of being nice. From Service Guy Jim to the ladies at the spa to the parents in the wedding to the nice, cute groomsmen who danced with the little kids and grandparents, opened doors and called us ladies.

In addition to my Cornnuts, can we bring some of that back to Cali?

i'm currently slightly obsessed with

2007-07-20T00:06:00.000-07:00

Miranda July
Zooey Deschanel
That old timey boop-boop a-doop look
Tegan and Sara
Sleep (not!)
Nylon magazine (for the bands, not the writing)
Rufus Wainwright (for his hotness, and I guess his music is okay too. And yes, I know, he’s gay)
Short stories (any recommendations?)
Trying not to travel
Monster decals (check them out in our hallway)
Foods that are wrapped (dosas, burritos, etc)
Flight of the Conchords (you should be a part-time model)
Names that start with D or J
Ukeleles
Stripes
Cleveland, OH (not!)
Massages
Music that 16 year olds like
The Future

sundays, bloody sundays

2007-07-05T01:24:00.000-07:00

if only every wednesday could be like a sunday...

Like Ivy and Leaves on Trees

2007-06-27T23:23:00.000-07:00

But, like ivy, we grow where there is room for us. She seemed to have room for me, she never turned away in the pauses that allowed for turning away. She never inquired, but she never recoiled, either. This is a quality that I look for in a person, not recoiling. Some people need a red carpet rolled out in front of them in order to walk forward into friendship. They can't see the tiny outstretched hands all around them, everywhere, like leaves on trees.
- Miranda July, No One Belongs Here More Than You

The Sound of Music

2007-06-24T20:38:00.001-07:00

I was sitting on the subway train on the way to the airport today (yes, again!) bobbing my head and bouncing my leg as I listened to Voxtrot on my iPod. I looked around and there were at least 3 or 4 other people wearing their iPods around me, and suddenly I felt a little self-conscious. I was the only one rocking out to my iPod. If it wasn’t for their headphones, you probably wouldn’t have guessed they were listening to music. Then I thought, why do I feel weird about enjoying my music? Shouldn’t that actually be the norm? People should feel like they have the freedom to hum, dance around, bob their heads or whatever else fits with their music of choice. How many times have you had the urge to shake your little groove thing walking down the street or sitting on the train? Why don’t you? Isn’t that the more natural way? So I say we start a movement. Feel self-conscious no longer! Rock your hot lil bod out the next time you feel it in your bones.

K, gotta go - I got a lil dancing to do.

To set the mood, here's some Naturally 7 for those who haven't seen/heard them:

Hey Month

2007-06-22T12:39:00.000-07:00

Something significant is happening right now to someone. This person may have dressed for the occasion. This person may have been hoping for this moment all their life. This person may be dreading it like death. This person may not have expected it at all. Somewhere in the world in this minute, a moment has been created. Someone is crying from heartbreak, a first kiss is ignited, a job is lost, a child has been saved. And that’s just today.

In my own little small world of family and friends and moments too, it’s been a month of motley occurrences. For these, I dedicate a shout out of sorts.
-------------------------------------------------------

She died and was remembered. But we didn’t cry. Enough.
Guitars were stolen. So were laptops. Twice. In a month. But dignity remains!
Two engagements. At least. And one still unengagement.
Love grown stronger.
Flirting with danger. Inappropriately or appropriately. Still to be decided.
Older ones gotten sick or have passed on. New ones born.
Hungry Like a Wolf and Heartbreaker passing through lips.
Car accident = Post-concussional Syndrome. Excuse me if I’m a little slow. At last, an excuse!
The start of Matrimony and the completion of Master’s degrees
Layoffs and Learning to walk all over again (literally)
Rocking the fake mustaches and suspenders

In a way, the last four weeks were the beginning of so many ends and the end of so many beginnings.

Here’s to the next month.

Peg Me Normal

2007-06-21T22:38:00.000-07:00

When a person gets pegged a normal, or “non-dysfunctional” person, it’s funny the way people give them advice. Actually, it’s not funny. I just say that sometimes out of habit. I don’t know why. Funny, eh? See, there I go again.

Anyway, back to the point. As a labeled functional, well-balanced, etc etc person myself, I’ve begun to notice that the advice people give me sometimes isn’t really advice at all. It’s just mirroring what they think they already see in my life.

When I worry about my relationship with my boyfriend, they say,
“But you guys are meant for each other.”
Or “but you guys get along so great.”
Or, “but when I look at relationships, I always measure them against you two.”

Now, my intention is not to, in some lame implicit way brag about my relationship here, but rather to point out –what if we aren’t? What if we have real problems too? What if what you see is what you hope and wish is there because then at least it’s a standard to look to when you can’t find it elsewhere?

This happens in other ways too. When I get stressed out or tired, I tend to absorb and internalize it. In other words, I may look and act calm, but inside, my heart may be racing, my shoulders tense, I am distraught.

When I tell people about feeling stressed or worried, sometimes they say,
“But you can handle it, you will be fine.”
Or “You just don’t need as much sleep. You’ll see. It’s fine.”
Or “You’ve always been able to deal. You’re balanced.”
Some of this may or may not be true – but do they also know that every couple of months or so, I feel adrift, disconnected, want to runaway to something else entirely? That I want to cry sometimes just to get it out, whatever it is?

I wonder if this is how normal people slowly become disconnected with the world. Like those Desperate Housewives types that learn to just act as though they are completely normal and prim and then you find out they were part of an underground prostitution ring or secretly a drug dealer or likes to dress up like clowns or something. And it’s because, over time, they are given a role to play, and they just learn to act out that role and smile because people just expect the expected from them.

Don’t worry – I’m not about to bust out my Pretty Woman act or dress up like a clown. Just offering the perspective that “normal” people don’t really exist. We are all a little unbalanced (and maybe a little strange) in our heart of hearts. There are things in my life, the fire in my loins, that I will probably never talk about with people unless in the most intimate of circumstances, but know that it exists – some of it may be kinda normal or kinda quirky or kinda dark. Things aren’t always what they seem. Just learn to expect that the expected isn’t always.

Motherly

2007-06-21T22:35:00.000-07:00

I asked my boyfriend a few years ago, when we first started dating, for one word he’d use to describe me. He said “Motherly.” I nearly flipped out at the time, because, of all the words I wanted my significant other, my lover, my best friend to think of me as when I was 25, one of the last was Motherly. How about hot, smart, beautiful, sparkling, fun, lovable? Ready to devour. To jump the bones of. Okay, these aren’t one word responses and I get carried away, but you get my drift. Come on boyfriend, indulge me a little, you know? But no, he chose Motherly.

But looking back at our last few years together, learning and growing and getting to know each other like second skins in a way that is rare between two people, I have come to the realization that he knew me better than I knew myself. He knew who I was and who I was continuing to become, for the better, before I could even figure it out for myself. Even now, I look at the guy sitting next to me on the plane, an adult in his twenties, doing his sudoku puzzles in the dark, and all I want to do is turn on his seat light for him. Or at least tell him he can turn on the light. It’s right there! See it? Look up! For god’s sake, his vision is going to get shot to hell. With genetics already working against him as an Asian dude wearing glasses, get with it, man (playing warcraft on his lap top an hour ago by the way, but don’t want to perpetuate any stereotypes).

What I’ve learned about what my boyfriend said, what he was trying to say, is that he sees me as someone loving, who inherently and naturally is inclined to just take care of people, want to be there for them, build relationship, camaraderie and love between us and between others. And now, as I near 30, I think that ain’t half bad, coming from someone who loves and wants to spend the rest of his life with me. But that doesn’t mean I still don’t want to be devoured. ;)

what doesn't kill us, makes us stranger

2007-06-12T00:26:00.000-07:00

"What doesn't kill us, makes us stranger" - Aeon Flux.

I'm not sure what it was, but something about this quote made me stop for a second. maybe it was because i've come to the conclusion that i like strange people. all of my friends are what you might call on the quirkier end of the scale. but that's what draws me to them. i like that people do practiced duets in karaoke (singing both parts), dress up like ninjas for fun, eat hello kitty chocolate waffles, form a band just so they can play in japan.

or maybe it's because i'm a little weird. my favorite dress at the vivienne westwood exhibit was the bondage dress. i like to eat pineapple with cottage cheese. really though, i think that quote stopped me for a second because i just think it's true.

all the crazy things and hard challenges that we have to go through in life - well, i'm sure we all react in interesting, strange ways. we start to develop our own perspectives in life that aren't quite like anyone else's, simply because of the series of experiences that are unique to you and you alone. "oh, you had pet turtles too?" "but were yours named sam n ella and did they die because they suffocated from water-soaked wheat bread?" "yeah, didn't think so"

and as you get older, as i am sadly, the increase in those unique experiences causes your perspectives to both diverge more, but also find commonality among other quirky-ites. particularly among the curious bunch. maybe the older you get, the quirkier you become. maybe that explains all my strange friends. but man, how fun are they and how much do i love them for it?

Answer: LOTS

heaven would be

2007-06-01T00:01:00.000-07:00

a place where alarm clocks get lonely

WHAT?????

2007-05-31T23:51:00.000-07:00

okay, i get that people get upset and frustrated and all that good stuff at work, but good god people, have some work etiquette will you?

in the last month or so, here are a sample of responses my coworkers and i have received from various people. Please note that the all caps and number of punctuation marks have been unedited from their original version.

a reply to an email about a presentation going to the board of directors:
"???????????????????"

a reply to a question i had about a complex issue:
"No."

a text sent to a phone of my coworker from one of our bosses about a meeting:
"ARE YOU HERE"

and my favorite of the month - a reply to asking if a department could help with something given a short deadline:
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA"

Yeah. All I have to say is WHAT?????

keep on keeping on

2007-05-22T23:38:00.000-07:00

ahhhhh. that is all i have to say, because this is the first trip in the last month where i'm staying for more than two nights at a time.

oh man. i knew it was going to be a crazy couple of months of traveling, but i forget how tiring it is to just trek to and from the airport, on and off the plane, in and out of a suitcase. in the last month, I have been to LA, San Diego, Seattle, Austin and I just arrived in LA again tonight. and i'm not even a management consultant! and i've got about two and a half more months of this. a myriad of weddings, reunions, bachelorette parties, etc. my friends need to stop having life-changing events in their lives.

the end result on a day to day basis is no clean laundry, a crazy messy room, stacks of bills and mail, and the challenge of keeping up with my friends' lives here back home. two of my friends have had babies who i haven't seen, one of my friends is dating someone new, another is moving to ny in a couple of months, one just started her new job and who knows what else i'm missing.

it's kind of strange because it's like my life is on hold and shooting forward at the same time - i'm waiting to rejuvenate relationships with people in my life after this madness stops - but really, it's all going on ahead anyway, and i'm catching new experiences as i hop from one place to another.

sometimes i wonder if this is just a certain transition period in my life or if my life will always be hectic like this. in which case, i just have to operate differently and cram even more stuff into my days because there's so much more i want to do still.

how to make ice cream. perfect my chinese and spanish. buy a sewing machine. put up my art and photos. take voice lessons. DIY all my unwanted clothes. dance around the house naked....um, well, you get the drift. the list will never end. how do other people do it? what does a "normal" state of life look like anyway? and would i like it?

between strangers and friends

2007-04-21T01:03:00.000-07:00

I recently joined a really great board of directors for a non profit in san francisco and one of the ways they are having us get to know each other is to answer a set of questions with an assigned fellow "buddy" board member.

as far as icebreakers go, i find that they are usually kinda velveeta and all warm and fuzzy, but as i was reading these, i thought, these are actually some pretty good questions.

i thought it would be kinda cool to answer these with my friends even. we don't talk about these topics usually and I think they get at learning about a person at a better level. anyway, i thought i'd share the Qs. I will answer them at a later posting, but would be curious about your answers - whether you want to share them publicly here with me or via email or just the next time i see you. enjoy!

On what basis do you select your friends? Why?

What do you like to do most with a free hour? Why?

What is your perfect meal? Where would it take place and who would you share it with?

What value that comes from your heritage is most important to you, and why?

What job or profession would you secretly love to pursue?

What is the best book you read in the last year, and why did you like it?

the more i ignore you, the closer you get

2007-04-21T00:39:00.000-07:00

i was just thinking about you today. wondering when you'd show up. hoping you'd forgotten about me. and as timing would have it, there you were today, at my door. so predictable.

i guess i knew deep down that there was no escaping you. you'd come looking for me if you didn't hear from me. it's just one of those things though. i'm sorry. life got busy. i had better things to do, people to see. i forgot about you. okay, that's a lie. i thought about you, i just didn't want to deal with you anymore. maybe i was in denial. you know - if i just ignored you, you'd just go away.

but of course, that didn't happen. you found me anyways. you have cost me more than you know, all these past months. so, fine, you win. if i just pay you, will you just go away? i'll be better next time.

i. hate. parking tickets. especially the ones with the late fines in the mail.

How to tell if you are american

2007-04-11T22:39:00.000-07:00

it's funny to watch my dad's evolution of using this new thing called the Internet. my dad started off using the web to check his stocks, knowing his one bookmark, barely understanding the concept of a browser. then he moved onto canceling his newspaper subscription, "Why should I pay for the paper when I can get the news for free everyday online?!" Can you imagine him saying it in that oh-so-Chinese way? I love it.

Then, he started using email. But only for the other 3 people he knew that sent him emails plus his updates from Charles Schwab and CNN. So, I thought I'd add to his list too. I started sending him my flight confirmations, e-greeting cards, articles I thought he'd be interested in. He would always faithfully reply with something along the lines of, "I just wanted to let you know I got your email. Loves, dad." as though there was always this uncertainty of the circuitry behind email technology and that he was never sure what i sent him went through. (now also imagine vice versa - "Hey, did you get my email?" "And how bout this next time, did you get my email?"

Recently, he retired, so his world of the Internet has expanded as has his email usage. He's connected with his old college friends, even high school friends from Burma from decades ago for the first time. Of course, as a result, I hear more from him. Which I actually don't mind. In fact, I really like it. It's almost as though I can communicate with him in the way I do my friends and colleagues now. So when I got this forward called, "84 ways you can tell you are chinese" I thought of him since there were so many things he could relate to (stove grills covered with foil, anyone?) and forwarded it on, which I never would have done before.

That same day, he forwarded me an email called "Who is American?" - probably because he thought there were some things I could relate to. I thought this was just a funny exchange of generations and cultures within our relationship, even as a family, since there is this acceptance between us that he will always be almost "too" chinese and i will always be "too" american - like my amusement with his foil-covered stove and his amusement with my sister's and my "fast-talking english" with terms like "nerd" or "funky" that he still grasps to understand.

there's also this sense of a gap that i don't think either of us can explain. that he has lost his kids to this foreign, american culture in a lot of ways because there are just certain things we don't understand or appreciate the way he does. that i lost a part of me that i remember because some of the values instilled in me as a child have been replaced with more long-standing american values that have become a part of me because of my friends, my job and my everyday life without my parents. i also miss out, in some ways, on the kind of relationship i could have had with my parents (talking about boys, dating, pop culture), but never could because these were just unchartered territories.

of course there are a lot of wonderful things about being a part of two cultures too. i wouldn't trade our existing relationship for the world. for some reason though, i associate my dad's growing internet sophistication with being american. i know that's not exactly accurate, because there are plenty of asian people who use technology who are not from the states, but somehow, it allows him and i to suddenly connect on a level that we never used to talk about before. technology, articles, new browser interfaces, and maybe, one day, even blogging...

date with sf

2007-04-01T23:33:00.000-07:00

my day with sf started out beautifully - it was 73 degrees and sunny (in sf, that's considered summer heat). as a little context, i have been traveling non-stop for the last month or so, so this day off was much, much anticipated.

started the day with a little gym action and went to a kickboxing class. kicked and punched to the instructors orders, "nose! chest! groin!" who knew it would be this naughty. little did i know that it would be the theme for the day.

then went grocery shopping, came back for a nap and of course chatted online and checked email for a bit (that was inevitable).

after a nice shower to appease all those around me, i set off on my task of finding the perfect set of lingerie for this weekend's bachelorette party/lingerie shower for a girlfriend of mine. we decided to do a naughty and nice theme gift.

who knew, btw, that it would be this hard to find naughty lingerie in a mall. after a couple of hours, i finally hit victoria's secret. and even then!

the most uncomfortable part of the experience was the sketchy big security guard dude that kept walking back and forth eyeing all the customers as I poked around skimpy girly stuff thinking, i hope he doesn't go home imagining us all in this stuff.

and then, jackpot! i found a sexy black see-thru number that was perfect. let's just say it involved buttons at the crotch and there were enough appropriate holes that the bride-to-be wasn't quite sure which body parts could go where. uh huh. your husband can just thank us later.

i never really understood the idea of a lingerie shower though. it's really gifts that keep on giving - for the husband. i mean, i know plenty of women who like that kind of stuff too, but i'm guessing a girl might appreciate a massage, clothes, shoes, chocolate, a hot young dancer thang...oops. i digress.

after that lil journey (i know, my life is tough), i came back for a quick nap before our girls' dinner. it was a perfect day to just do my own thing on my date with sf. sf was pleasant, accommodating and took me to territory i have never been before (woo!).

so, um...maybe we can do it again sometime?

shoes in the street

2007-04-01T02:04:00.000-07:00

k, so it might be late and i might have just come back from the bars and i might be a little buzzzzzed but a thought just occurred to me as i saw all those drunk people walking in the street. how come people wear their shoes in the house but take them off in the street?

btw, pants are overrated.

me, myself and sf

2007-03-29T22:26:00.000-07:00

the older i get the more i start to realize just how much my family has influenced me in so many small and big ways. for example, my mom has 8 siblings and my dad has 6 and i've grown up around mostly all of them. family get togethers used to be a big affair. kids running around. adults talking and laughing in every room. rarely was there ever a quiet moment.

maybe that's why i am restless and uncomfortable with silence in general. and the fact that i scored nearly 90% Extrovert on my myers-briggs test. and that i always thought i could never live alone.

don't get me wrong. i like my down time. i love to reflect. but all i need is a couple of hours (or maybe my computer). after that, put me in a room with other people i like and that's where i thrive, get energized and am happy.

tomorrow is cesar chavez day, and working at the school district that i do, we get the day off. the first thing i thought was, "sweeet! a free day in the city." then, i thought, "who's gonna come out and play with me?" then i realized that, doh, everyone else is actually working. my friend knull said, "it might actually be kinda nice to have the day to yourself."

huh. interesting. that thought has actually not occurred to me in so long. so i think i'll try something different this time and do a date with sf tomorrow. just you and me, dude. let's hit it.

getting back to normal

2007-03-27T21:42:00.000-07:00

i was on my flight home from austin this weekend and it wasn't until the women next to me grabbed her husband's hand as she drifted off to sleep that i felt a surge of missing my boyfriend.

they were an older couple. probably in their 50s and happy and comfortable in the way that my mom's cooking makes me feel - there was a sense of reliability and appreciation in the cheer they brought to each other; just by being there, it seemed to make things right with the world and while not fully present all of the time, were accessible in the moments it really matters.

i missed my boyfriend at that moment because, looking at the everyday-ness of the couple's actions reminded me of the everyday-ness that i haven't had in our relationship in a long time. i just miss being able to lean on his shoulder during a movie. to grab his hand when i'm nervous, kiss him on the cheek when i come into a room, sit next to him on the couch with our feet up even if we both have to work. not to say that we don't have those moments in the times we do get to see each other during the long distance, but there's something to be said about having that accessible to you when you want it, need it, feel it. i'm all about the instant gratification.

oh well. the long haul is almost over, i suppose. i'm just waiting to get back to normal...

on a cold, tired day

2007-03-27T21:41:00.000-07:00

hoodies are the hot chocolate of clothes...

Killing My Lobster

2007-03-18T23:46:00.000-07:00

Dinner started off normal enough. “Lobster or steak, ma’am?” the waitress asked. Hmm. I don’t really like red meat, I love seafood and I'm in Boston. The answer seemed obvious enough (all the while I’m trying to process the fact that I’m at the age now where people refer to me as a term they would also call my mom – I rack it up to how mature I sound when I speak. You know, phrases like, “Lobster, please.”)

Table conversation is good, we’ve got our plastic bibs on. We’re ready to roll. My plate comes with the liquid butter stuff, potatoes and corn on the cob. Check. Then I look down at the plate and have a Pretty Woman moment. Um. The lobster is whole. Like in only one big piece. I come to the realization that I’ve never actually eaten a lobster whole before. Hmm. I have visions of my saying to my coworkers, “Yeah, I only like to smell it. I don’t actually eat it.”

I take a quick inventory at the table. K, there’s that cracking thing they use with crab. K, they’re using their hands. Then Joyce starts doing some crazy twisty thing and all of a sudden the guts come spilling out and the whole thrust of lobster meat is pulled out of the carcass. Hmm. That looks like the advanced class.

“So…I don’t really know how to eat this.” A silent pause of confusion. “You’ve never eaten lobster before?”

“No. I mean, yes. But I’m Chinese.”

(Asian clarification #24: If you’ve never eaten lobster at an Asian restaurant before, they always chop up the little crustacean for you. I never really knew what it looked like whole let alone how to tackle the little sucker.)

So after a lil walk through tutorial, I killed the thing. To the last bite. And it was kind of fun and gratifying. And I’ll do it again, ya hear me? There’s something to be said for working for your food, versus having it just handed to you, even if the end result is the same. Kinda like love or fortune. Now - where is that moist towelette?

Creative Groupie

2007-03-16T22:31:00.001-07:00

I’ve joked to friends that I am what one might call a creative groupie. While I myself am not a creative person (aside from the occasional homemade valentine’s day card, photo or blog entry, which is far from any sort of real talent), I find that I love to surround myself with people who are all things creative - design, writing, music, art, building things, you name it. I’ve been trying to figure out what about it exactly that draws me to these things, beyond the fact that the creative people I’ve met have tended to be passionate, fun, clever and overall interesting to be around.

And through a slew of random things I’ve come across recently - namely the book 31 Songs by Nick Hornby, and the movie Stranger Than Fiction - I’ve come to the articulation that it’s because occasionally, a story, photo, song describes something within me, perfectly. It’s not the image or words themselves per se, it’s a more complex, less direct connection - there are slivers in that paragraph, that photo or that song that evokes perfectly how I feel, want to feel or touches me in a way that makes me think a little differently forever. It is this amazing sense of common connection, where someone else can describe a moment in time or a feeling you connect to more perfectly than you yourself ever could. And it is this trigger of perfect articulation in each of these things that draws me in initially, lingers in me afterwards, and leaves me wanting more. You know, kinda like those mini snickers bars.

what a snow storm gave me

2007-03-16T21:32:00.000-07:00

it's been a whirlwind of airports and subways and taxis lately. i'm strangely mentally at ease, though physically worn. but lots of good things have happened in the last few weeks.

1. had a fun lil girls' v-day party at our place this year. made lasagna, a coffee table of cute men and cried our hearts out while watching the notebook. i love being a woman.

2. mentioned it before, but felt a big accomplishment making a traditional chinese new year meal with my cousins this year. keepin it real and celebrating family. that's what it's about.

3. flew to cape town for about 10 days to visit my bf. can we say AWESOME? it'd been two months since we'd seen each other - i'm really proud that we're pulling through this with fairly minimal scratches along the way. my visit included seeing Nelson Mandela's prison cell, a euro/techno club, penguins, baboons, rhinos, the beach, a class lecture on the notion of race during post-apartheid and wineries. btw, did i mention that he lives in a beach house in sunny, 80 degree weather in a beautiful, developed town with water, land and sun all around him? yeah. one word: jealous.

4. a few days after i got back, flew to LA for a surprise retirement party for my dad that my sis and i threw for him. i think he was sincerely happy and surprised. there was much crab, mango cake, balloons and old friends and family to be had. he said "i'm proud of you guys" as though us throwing a party for him was any comparison to the sacrifices he made for us during his career for the last 35 years. that's parental love, dude.

5. after a day at home, i flew to boston for our bi-monthly leadership series where the residents from my program across the country come together. i love these sessions because they rejuvenate me in every way - personally, professionally. our last day, we usually focus on more "fuzzy" topics since people are worn out from the long days before. this time, it was on the myers briggs personalities - less about ourselves and more about what type our coworkers might be or our partners in life and how we can think about how to work better with them as a result of the analysis. i'm an enfj. what are you?

6. now, i'm stuck in boston a little longer than planned due to a snow storm, but ya know, i'm starting not to mind so much. it gives me some good down time - away from home and all the things i need to do there so i can just read, listen to music, write a blog entry, look at friends' photos. you know, forget about that $250 moving violation ticket. the work emails since i've been gone. now where is that cup of hot chocolate i just made?

You Left Your Name, Part 2

2007-03-13T20:39:00.000-07:00

Sorry for the delay! Just got back from Cape Town and LA and now in Boston. Here's the rest!

Misocrazy:

1. You turned me on to DDR and for that I will be forever grateful
2. It's a Sunshine Day by the Brady Bunch/13 Going on 30
3. Mango Peach with chunks of pineapple.
4. I still can't believe I didn't tell you about you-know-who in our UCLA group of fun.
5. Sitting on the couch at Overland Estate, eating noodles that one of the boys had made. cute glasses, short hair and of course, with Squeakers.
6. dolphin - playful, carefree, intelligent and gets along with humans.
7. But seriously, are you gonna give me first dibs on your great giveaways when you move?

Kevin:

1. I like your shoe collection and when you wear hats.
2. Anything song by JT or the Dragonball Z movie.
3. Blue Raspberry.
4. Long time no talk.
5. Sitting in Gary's living room at his bday party, wearing agraphic tee with spikyish hair and a bandana on your wrist. you felt compelled to explain the hyphy phenomenon to me.
6. a monkey.
7. what kind of accent is that exactly anyway?

Mamapork:

1. Your flickr pics remind me of the stock photography of a model family.
2. Sex in the City. But you're Carrie with the baby, not Miranda. but with Charlotte's maternal instincts. And i know it's not a movie, but hey, what ya gonna do?
3. Strawberry banana.
4. Did you know that Mr. Entertainment guy asked me for my number?
5. We met up for lunch with June at Yahoo! You had long hair and a cute outfit involving boots.
6. Koala.
7. How the heck do you look so hot as a mom?

Arshad:

1. I love the fact that you have a wombat in your house and stoop season on your stoop.
2. Fuzzy by The Incredible Moses Leroy.
3. Apple. Fuji, if they made it in that variety.
4. I'll be a meat eater with you.
5. At your house, to play weboggle. You made me a drink and was wearing sandals in the house.
6. Lion.
7. What did your hair look like when you were at that school, Cornell. Ever heard of it?

Busy Busy

2007-02-24T02:55:00.000-08:00

it's been a while since I last posted. i don't know what happens and how time passes so quickly except that i seem to just get caught up in...life. it makes me sad. there are a list of people that i would love to have dinner with and friends i need to call and family i want to visit. things i want to do, restaurants i want to try and rooms i need to clean.

can't wait til life stabilizes a bit. but then again, i feel like i've been waiting for that for a long time coming. ah well, talk to me again in april. maybe things will be less crazy and i will be more zen. i am literally traveling every weekend from now til mid april and i haven't gotten more than 6 hours of sleep in a really long time (and you might ask why i'm writing blog submissions at 2 in the morning - please keep reading).

my boyfriend said if i truly wanted to be less busy, i would not have gone to business school, taken the type of job that requires real responsibilities, made more friends or chosen to join boards, volunteer, etc. and that if that was truly in my nature, i wouldn't be the person i am. perhaps he's right. but i'm still struggling to find the right balance. this is not sustainable. seriously.

on another note, had an awesome chinese new year weekend. my cousins and i cooked a little traditional feast for my aunts and uncles - first time ever.

i'm also leaving in two days to visit my boyfriend in south africa, for about 9 days. he's studying abroad there for three months. i'm so excited to see him after two months, excited that i'm taking such a long time off work after such a busy season (tho that in and of itself makes me stressed), and that i'm going to get to explore cape town!

finally, i have long procrastinated on the leave the name thing, so here are my answers folks. :)

You Leave Your Name and...

2007-02-24T01:50:00.000-08:00

Sorry for the delay but here are a couple of responses to Leave Me Your Name :)

Virginia:
1. You have really nice skin
2. Desperately Seeking Susan
3. Blueberry lemonade
4. Danville visors rock
5. You were making a joke and cracking up (loudly :P), at Rog's house party
6. Canary
7. You went to the JT concert too??

Andrea:
1. I like that you are girly without being girly
2. You Make Me Feel Like a Natural Woman/Any Olsen twin movie
3. Strawberry Lemonade
4. Accounting minors enable people to understand the language of business better
5. You were about two and you were trying to get our cousin Derek to dance with you in the middle of living room
6. Wildcat
7. Who's your best friend?

Leave me your name, and...

2007-02-07T01:07:00.000-08:00

1. I'll respond with something random about you.

2. I'll tell you what song/movie reminds me of you.

3. I'll pick a flavor of jello to wrestle you in.

4. I'll say something that only makes sense to you and me.

5. I'll tell you my first memory of you.

6. I'll tell you what animal you remind me of.

7. I'll ask you something I've always wondered about you.

8. If you do this, you must post it on yours. (you don't have to, but it'd be fun)

(I got this from misocrazy)

suck it up

2007-01-30T16:14:00.000-08:00

just a reminder when you are having a bad day:

"Times are tough. Times are always tough; the human condition is nasty. The poor are always with us; and the crazy, and the just plain stupid. The viruses are with us too, and pestilence and famine. And the challenge is to approach it all with some kind of grace and some kind of humility. The challenge is to acknowledge that although it is not your fault, it is your responsibility. You are not special; you have not been singled out. Self-righteousness is always misplaced. Plant a tree, dig a well, hug a child, shut up."

-John Carroll, S.F. Chronicle, 5/10/95

weening process

2007-01-29T23:38:00.000-08:00

so over the past 3 years or so, i've been really fortunate to have had the opportunity to travel to some really cool places (i.e. egypt, iceland, burma). but i was having a conversation with a friend tonight and the ironic thing is, i'm not really sure if i'm ready yet to do the cross-country thing through the country of which i've spent all the years of my life.

the thing is, i know that i will find a lot of beauty and appreciation in what i will see, in big ways and small. but what i'm not ready for yet, are the looks, stares, and potential harassment that comes with it. i love a lot of things about the u.s. - our rights, standard of living, spirit of innovation and entrepreneurship, diversity. but i also know that there is still a lot of ignorance and intolerance interwoven into that culture, especially when it comes to geographies outside of the coasts and larger cities. and i'm not ready for the country i grew up in to not accept me.

maybe that's me being paranoid or silly. but when my friend was planning his trip across the country, his white friends told him to not go to the deep south and not to do certain things, because, frankly, why put yourself in dangerous situations? (he felt it in some places too)

and for me, as a small asian american women, who would most likely travel with my asian american boyfriend or my small asian american sister, i think i would have to heed to that same advice. part of me thinks, no, if i'm going to do the cross country trip, i want to do it authentically, take in the good and the bad. if i'm going to experience it, why not go to the deep south and see it for what it really is like. but at the same time, the reality of the situation is, maybe i might find myself in a bad situation. am i willing to risk that for the sake of truth and authenticity?

i dunno. i got excited about the trip as my friend dave talked about his experience. he covered the larger cities in each state. memphis, st. louis, etc. and he said he got used to the looks and stares over time.

maybe i'll start with those larger cities. for my first trip around anyways. it's like a weening process. i don't want to give up the feeling of safety and security just yet (and i mean that in an emotional sense too) in the place i grew up and still represent. funny how that works.

hermit days

2007-01-28T23:33:00.000-08:00

for those of you who know me, today was of unusual and probably unheard of circumstances. i managed to not leave my house at all - for the whole day. my housemate kept saying, "so what are you up to the rest of the day?" and my answer in the morning, afternoon, and evening was, "nothing. i'm just going to stay at home today." each time, i think she gave me a funny, "haha, i don't believe you" look.

for those of you who don't know, i'm the type of person who is occupied most hours of the day and i revel in cramming in a bunch of activities on the weekends. i am a can't-say-no type of person, and though amazingly fun and fulfilling, i get worn out in roller coaster cycles.

which is why i loved today so much. i stayed in my pjs all day. took care of my bills, signed up for car insurance (go progressive!), did some extracurricular work (boring stuff: work for a board i'm on, admissions stuff for my bschool, etc), some real job work, watched half of Cruel Intentions (a great hermit day guilty pleasure btw), finally cooked a home cooked meal, called my parents.

sitting by the window this afternoon, i realized how much these kinds of days make me happy, just because it lets me take care of things that would otherwise make my life a little crazy. and how worn out i get just from the way my life normally is. and then i was thinking what kind of lifestyle is actually sustainable so that i won't need to crave such days. or would that kind of life be too boring? i feel like i'm constantly fighting that battle to find the right balance and either i'm too restless, lonely or i'm too burnt out from going out. is it just the age i'm at? or is it just me?

either way, i think i will carve out more time for my hermit days. here's to all day in pjs.

Sometimes you just need a little inspiration

2007-01-23T21:58:00.000-08:00

Excellence can be obtained
If you care more than others think is wise,
If you risk more than others think is safe,
If you dream more than others think is practical,
And if you expect more than others think is possible.

- Nothing's Impossible: Leadership Lessons from Inside and Outside the Classroom by Lorraine Monroe

Might be a little warm and fuzzy, but in what i do, i need it sometimes to know that the change i'm trying to do is worth it...

new year random musings

2007-01-15T23:34:00.000-08:00

ah, with the holidays over and a new year here, so many thoughts have been swimming around in my head. they don't really make any sense together, so i'm just going to list them in no particular order:

random musing #1: dear las vegas

2007-01-15T23:27:00.000-08:00

dear las vegas,

i have to be honest with you, i have a love hate relationship with you and i don't know what to make of it. i've seen you three times in the last ten weeks and i feel both sickened and revived as a result. if someone told me that i wouldn't have to see you again in a very long time, i would say that it wouldn't be too soon, but secretly, i'd be saddened by the idea.

i leave you feeling in awe and irritation because you are the only one i know who can bring out regret, thrill, desperation, lust, love, disappointment, relief, envy and a host of other twisted, complex and roller coaster emotions to the many that you greet. it is an amazing thing to see. you are the only one that can bring together in a weekend a bunch of MBAs to play poker, teachers, russian mafia, ghetto gangsters, porn stars, celebrities and computer geeks. who does that? it's the power, addiction, unadulterated gluttony and even simple old-fashion fun that you offer. are you good for me? doubtful. but i think about how many unique, crazy memories you have brought me and it's hard to think that any other place could ever do the same.

with that, i have to leave you and though regrettably, i have to say that i can't see you for a while. my mind, heart and pockets can't afford to. i mean, really, did you have to let that guy pull a straight on the river against my pocket rockets?

random musing #2: Bingo! It's family time

2007-01-15T23:04:00.000-08:00

family is a funny thing. i feel like it's been this complex, slow process of learning to understand them as i would any of my friends. i feel like for a really long time, i never really appreciated having family around the way i do today. growing up, i was just barely able to figure out what the heck i was doing let alone ruminate about the role my family had in that. college was the first time i missed my parents. and started to really appreciate them for their love and thoughtfulness. but home was like freeze tag. when i went home, my personal life in SF felt like it was just put on hold. i disappeared into this vortex of my parents house, good food, watching tv with my sis, wearing the clothes around the house that i would never ever wear in the company of anyone else. then, i would return to my apartment in SF and things resumed again with my friends, social events, job and everything else in this separate life.

it took a while for me to learn how to make those two worlds intersect. over the last several years, i have started to talk to my parents more about my love life, my friends, my issues with work. asking their opinions, hearing their opinions even when i don't ask. but they surprise me at every phase. they have actually been really cool (for the most part). in a capacity i never would have guessed - i certainly didn't give them the credit they deserved for what i thought they could and couldn't take knowing about.

and now in this past year, marked by this past holiday especially, i have also come to realize and truly appreciate the quirkiness and uniqueness that my family offers to me regularly. for the same reason i love my friends - who share my love for the quirky details of life that to most would seem unremarkable - i have found in my family the same sort of appreciation and for things that i know only my family would find enjoyable.

though other people may or may not find this AWESOME, here is an example from xmas:
we played family bingo co-constructed by yours truly and my sister and cheesy as it sounds, it was so much fun. now, as context, my family is NOT the game-playing type. there is no presence of charades, pictionary or cards of any sort at any family gathering - at least not with the "adults". thus, the decision to try and infiltrate with a game of low barriers - bingo. i mean, who wouldn't/couldn't play that?

we cut up little square pictures of each of our relatives and had them all glue them on a grid in different sequences. my dad, the designated bingo master (who btw, surprisingly totally got into it) would then pull picks out of a hat and yell things like, "uncle paul!" to get crossed out - with background mutterings of things like "i just need a diana or a jason and i'm done!" my mom was the true instigator in this whole thing when she first mentioned, "i want to make some fun this year - let's do a raffle or something and i will find things for a gift basket." "things" would later be defined as random things like dried shrimp, a potholder set and green tea. but hey, fun we did and perhaps it has even set a new tradition. go family bingo, go.

i think we've found a new tradition.

random musing #3

2007-01-15T22:34:00.000-08:00

a recent experience has really gotten me to think about what my relationships mean to me at this point in my life right now.

my boyfriend and i talk about this all the time - i think we're both the type of people who really enjoy the company of a lot of different types of friends. i'm not the sort of person who has 5 close-knit friends with whom i hang out with every single weekend, like on Friends. i am also not the type of person who says, "i have enough friends. i don't need to invest in meeting anymore people."

part of what i enjoy most in my life is the connections i make with people - and i mean that to be relationships, acquaintances, conversations i've had with people i'll never see again, a chat with the guy next to me at a poker table in vegas. there are really so many people out there to meet, get to know, learn from, grow with. why not hear about it and get to know more? they can only bring more insights and perspectives to my life. i'm not saying that i want to be best friends with all of them. you can know people on many different levels and to varying capacities. but there's a lot of value that a person can get by being open to that.

however, at the same time, i am conflicted because i am so over trying to be friends with people who aren't themselves. being in vegas this last weekend magnifies that. why do people care about "the scene" or expensive things or hanging out with people they don't even really like? life is so short that to do that seems so silly to me.

it takes a lot of reflection and nurturing to get to a point where you are really comfortable with who you are. and i feel like many people still don't take the time to do that (or maybe are afraid to) and busy themselves with all these other inconsequential things (reminds me of the little prince - tangent sorry). but knowing who you are (or not knowing) affects every interaction you have, person you meet and thing you do. to me, it's more important than anything else - it's the foundation to which all other things are laid and relationships are made. at the end of the day, it is through that basis that you, at the end of your life, will say, these are the things that i chose to spend my time with/doing. am i happy with that?

i ask myself that question often, just as a check to see if what i'm doing with my life are the right things. so far so good. but it's always good to keep asking...

some gems

2007-01-15T22:26:00.000-08:00

some great quotes from my most recent vegas trip:

"the disfigured russians are all over the place. we better get out of here"

question: "were there furries at the porn convention?"
answer: "no, just the easter bunny"

friend: "wow, the elevator goes down so fast."
12-yr old girl in the elevator: "it's called inertia. i learned it in science."

For pure promotion of my boys, some pics of them in action at the MBA poker tournament (top, my friend HotC placed 9th; bottom, my friend Nips placed 12th - woohoo!)

it's more than a fling

2006-12-13T22:18:00.000-08:00

i'm in houston this week for work. it's actually a leadership development session that i have every other month with Fellows in the education leadership program i'm in. They are all business school graduates, most have worked in the private sector and all are passionate and smart, talented people. They fly in from all across the country and we always have a great time together even though these are long days.

there's something to be said for the commonality that drew us to these jobs and that draws us to each other. i was thinking about how much i love working in the education industry because people like the ones at this session are just so real. people's families, beliefs, philosophies all are topics that are brought up regularly in meetings because education (and the education crisis) is just so personal and the reasons people work here are often deeply rooted and powerfully related to the core of who these people are.

in contrast, i recently went to "sell" weekend for a top management consulting firm, and don't get me wrong - these people were amazing, smart, talented, driven. but there was a sense of politeness or formality that was there - that is always there in environments like these. there is no excitement about each others' personal lives, no deeper dive into these people's beliefs or what helped them become the people that they are today because personal lives aren't as core to the jobs these people signed up to do. their jobs are challenging, and they grow as individuals i'm sure. but something was missing for me that i have found in my new job. it's the same thing that was missing when i was working at yahoo. not that there was a sense of formality so much. but it just wasn't about us, as people and why we were there - it wasn't for a common purpose - a purpose that is greater than each of us individually.

the funny thing is that the reaction i usually get from this type of crowd when i have to explain what i do (including a bunch of people i talked to at a holiday party recently) is either, "oh, how honorable of you" as though i'm sacrificing their life for this one or "so what are you going to do after the two years of this Fellowship is up?" as though this is just a fling i decided to have before i figure out what i really want to do.

in reality, it's really neither of these things. i'm excited about what i do and have no regrets about why i chose this job. and it's not a fling - i have found what i want to do. for a very long time. it's education and it's kids.

i am thankful for these leadership sessions, because they keep me feeling alive, re-energized, excited about learning and about the next day ahead and the long future before us and what i can do in my own small way for the next generations to come.

no regrets.

a Heroes drinking game

2006-12-04T23:34:00.000-08:00

everytime someone uses superpowers, gets their head sawed open, says "cheerleader", or gets their memory wiped.

you know, just like my everyday.

(at least my addiction is now over with the season finale tonight)

a slow realization

2006-12-04T23:30:00.000-08:00

A recent conversation between me and my roommate, Muffs:

Muffs: "Hey, is that green loofah in the bathroom yours?"
Me: "Um...yes."
(note: there are only two loofahs in the bathroom and only two roommates in the apartment)

Muffs: "Are you sure?"
Me: ".....Um, yes. I'm sure. I just bought it a couple of weeks ago."

Muffs: "Right...um, yeah, that's what i thought."
Me: "......."

does the class come with a built-in pole?

2006-12-04T00:15:00.000-08:00

i was checking out the different classes that my gym offers and came across this description:

"Jeff Costa, creator of Cardio Striptease introduces 24Tease, an electrifying 30-minute striptease aerobics workout exclusively at 24 Hour Fitness! 24Tease provides a safe environment for members to get in touch with their inner stripper, while taking off pounds, extra clothing and even some inhibitions to reveal a healthier body and stronger self-esteem. 24Tease is low-impact contemporary movement that makes you sweat and feel good."

i know i was looking for some more fun, creative ways to get into shape, but, really?

livin the plaza life

2006-11-27T23:56:00.000-08:00

i learned a new term from my cousin over thanksgiving - it's called "the plaza life." let me explain.

the day after thanksgiving, a few of my cousins and i went to hang out in the neighborhood i grew up in. as background, this town is often referred to as the suburban chinatown - there is a plaza, in fact, that we call, "The Great Mall of China." common things for the young cool asian kids to do are: go get boba milk tea at the local tea house (it's quite the hipster scene. the one i went to had a poker game going and a 16-screen tv wall playing music videos), play pool, karaoke, race cars. these are not stereotypes. this is what i go home to. yes, it's true.

anyway, there was nothing to do the night after thxgiving, so i thought i'd give the plaza life a chance with a few of my cousins:

- hit up the local hipster tea house. the waiter didn't understand my broken chinese, i didn't understand his broken english. there was laughing. from him. about me. i think. yum pudding jasmine milk tea drinks as i poured through some of those $12 hk fashion magazines they have on their shelf. their clothes are so much cooler than the ones in american fashion mags. i like.

- my cousins are trying to figure out who the pop star is on the big 16-tv screen thing. i finally take a closer look. oh. my. god. it's my friend justin with those back-up dancers. what???!!! it all makes sense. i forgot, but he quit yahoo (where i used to work) a few years ago to go become a famous pop star in hong kong. and now he is. no joke. proof: my cousin's friend at the tea house had one of his songs as her ringtone. my roommate's friend has been in love with him for the last 3 years. he's done a kfc ad. his concert sold out in minutes. need i go on. my cousin andrea, an aspiring hk pop star herself (okay, not really), goes bananas and wants me to text him right then and there. surreeeeaaal. http://youtube.com/results?search_query=justin+lo

- we decide to ditch the hipster tea joint and go sing karaoke. as i walk back from the bathroom just in time to catch my cousin singing (and dancing) to some backstreet boys, i realize that we're the only group who is singing english at this karaoke place. my cousin decides to hit up some chinese song by some dude she's in love with that she thinks is dreamy. he's not so hot, but cool video. and cute girl in video. now she's dreamy. ;)

- my aspiring hk pop star singer cousin convinces the girl at the cashier counter that she is part of the hong kong student association at UCLA and just didn't pay her dues on time (apparently, members get a discount here. random.) 10% off. sweet!

- okay, it has been an interesting night, but i'm ready to hit home. the plaza life wasn't so bad - kinda fun actually. i hung out with the hipster kids drinking some pudding tea. discovered my friend is an international pop star. did some back-up dancing to my cousin's version of some black eyed-peas song. got my usually grumpy, distant and quiet cousin to bust out on a couple of songs. quality fam time.

funny that i grew up around this, but since i left for college before all of this really developed, i never was a part of it. it's kinda weird to see your hometown so differently. wonder how that would have made a difference. maybe i'd speak better chinese, hah.

i may not do this every night, but i think i hang with the plaza life...in doses. ;)

slippery slope

2006-11-27T23:43:00.000-08:00

i can't believe i'm addicted to a tv show. first it was lost and now it's heroes. what has become of me?

i have never been one to make plans around tv shows. usually, i have no idea what time or day different shows are on. in college, i went without a tv for most of my four years and didn't miss it at all - i know i was better off without it.

not that i think tv is bad, but when it takes priority over going out and interacting with real people or takes priority over talking to a friend on the phone that one hasn't talked to in a while, i think there's something amiss. i suppose people make a social event out of it, and that's trying to combine the two worlds - "Lost night" and whatnot. somehow, it's not quite the same tho, when the friend interaction involves staring at a screen together.

i know - millions and millions of viewers nation and worldwide tune in every night. and there's the huge industry tied to it. but somehow, i'm still not that comfortable turning into a couch potato. there's much more out there to see, do and learn. keep the addiction away!

ah, sigh. perhaps i should just resign to it. i am old now. i am a working person again. the power may be too strong to fight. a sad state of affairs. at least i can finally be a part of the water cooler chats.

and more importantly, who do you think is gonna die in the next episode of Heroes?

egg is the new black

2006-11-18T17:32:00.000-08:00

okay - so in the last couple of weeks, some very blog-worthy things have happened in my life, but i have just been lame and didn't sit down to write them. namely:

i was about 20 feet from where the shootings happened in the Castro on Halloween night. heard the gunshots, saw the people running. so much for my magic 8 ball costume. didn't see that coming. crazy. http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2006/10/31/BAG7CM2Q454.DTL&feed=rss.bayarea
my birthday happened. my boyfriend flew back for the weekend (thx for the roses!) and my friends threw me a surprise birthday party at my apartment (thanks roomie and Junebug!). so fun. so nice. i'm lucky. we were engrossed for hours with karaoke, cell phones, a slinky, nachos and magnetic balls. don't ask.
went to this really fun art auction fundraiser thing with JuneBug. tried to bid on a doll made with lite brites, but lost. but i won one of those new limited edition (Red) Nano iPods tho! Check out the fun pics: http://flickr.com/photos/misocrazy/sets/72157594368748960/
went to vegas with 7 of my cousins and my sis. first time we all hung out socially like this, ages ranging 21-31. my cousins rock. so much fun despite the fact that i'm a few hundred dollars in the hole. it was worth it tho. :)

Anyway, the real impetus for this entry was that i was out last night for drinks with a few friends because our friend, Petastic was in town. And as we were standing at the corner waving down cabs at the end of the night, a big truck drove by and egged me and Petastic! Can you believe it? I mean real direct contact hit with yolk on the street egging.

It's the kind of thing that happens in the burbs and here we were in the middle of SOMA and POW! - right on my neck (i think i have a bruise). I also happen to be wearing a white jacket too, tho by the end of the incident my whole right side of it was yellow (and kinda sticky and wet) along with inside my shirt and on my shoe.

This, among other things (like finding out what hyphy is just last month), makes me feel old. it seems so long ago that i was in the world of dumbass kids doing pranks like this. and strangely i was pretty calm about the whole thing (as Petastic attempted to wipe off the egg mess off of me with newspaper on the street). in the end, it could have been a lot worse, so i'll just chalk it up to my city livin (i know - it's a burb thing, but hey, maybe egg-throwing is the new black).

one of these things is just like the other

2006-11-18T10:29:00.000-08:00

things that are the same thing (who knew? i didn't):

violin and fiddle

coriander and cilantro

woah. go figure. i know. i changed your world today.

today, tomorrow and the next day...

2006-10-24T23:38:00.000-07:00

this past weekend was one of the first weekends that i've had some time to just relax and not have to run around. makes me feel like i'm living again!

it was a beautiful sunny afternoon in SF - had brunch at Modern Tea and then headed to Capsule SF: a Street Festival of Design in Hayes Valley for the afternoon (photos: top - fun felt buttons, $12 a pop; bottom - cool view of design structure at festival). it was so nice to just walk around with friends, sit in the sun and not have to think about work or errands for once.

it's funny what it takes to appreciate a weekend like this. i've been working hard - getting the lay of the land, trying to prove that i can do my new job well. i've been trying to convince myself that i am starting to feel settled (i'm not). and things like this past weekend give me some semblence of normalcy. and when i visit schools, i'm reminded how easy life used to be as a kid. right now, i'm thinking - oh, man, gotta do my laundry, pay rent, when's my car insurance payment due, i have to book my flight home for the holidays and the list goes on and on. not that it's hard or unfortunate. it's just what life has become for someone at this stage in my life.

and as an adult, it's so easy to let days and months go by without really thinking about what each day can be about, the opportunity that each day holds. i've been at my job almost 3 months now - it sounds short, but imagine the impact i could have made if i made every day worth its while.

i'm reading the alchemist right now (i know, finally) and came across the quote, "when each day is the same as the next, it's because people fail to recognize the good things that happen in their lives every day that the sun rises." and though not mind blowing, it's very true. at the end of a long work day, i don't usually remember that the mail guy made a funny joke just to make me laugh this morning or that i had appreciated the sunny morning drive coming in today. i come home and usually think about how tired i am and how much stuff i need to catch up on and then i get caught in the weeds.

but look, today was a good day. i talked to my boyfriend, caught up with an old friend, emailed my sister, registered to vote, accomplished some things to impress my boss. life is good. it usually is. we just have to remind ourselves that it is.

the initiation fee continues...

2006-10-02T23:19:00.000-07:00

2 months and 4 days since I've moved back.

39 days i've worked since graduation.

28 days since i've seen my boyfriend.

$245 i've spent in parking tickets.

priceless.

i found my heart in SF...

2006-10-01T23:06:00.000-07:00

at last, i'm starting to feel whole again. had a weekend of good food, lots of good friend time and some adult-errandy things that have to be done, but make life just that much easier (still no time for laundry tho, and boy do i need to do it).

on Saturday, I did the SF MOMA Scavenger Hunt with my other teammates as part of Team SuperTasters. :) We were one of 52 teams selected out of 207 who applied and the 10-hour day included going into porn stores to find paddles, bartering with some guy at the UN Plaza for his dreadlock, making poo out of clay, carving a horse out of a carrot and trying to get a hold of a mattress, toilet and skull. Needless to say it was a fantastic experience. But alas, we did not win the $4K prize money. That's okay. it's about team work and fun right? (man, that 4 grand would have been nice...) If you want to check out the actual clues and our answers: http://www.snarshad.com/sfmomascav/sfmomascavenger.html

We did, however, get some of our goods displayed in the museum exhibit that's going on today through Oct. 3rd! So if you are in the bay area and get the chance to check it out, it's our claim to fame! Some pics from the event and what's displayed at SFMOMA: http://flickr.com/photos/misocrazy/sets/72157594308036778/

Today, i had a nice day of brunch (Ti Couz), visiting the exhibit and going to Target and the grocery store (I LOVE Target). little did i know that getting a trashcan, some handsoap and a towel would make me so happy (esp when my life didn't have those things yesterday).

I'm starting to feel it now. my life getting back into the groove of things. getting to enjoy and take advantage of all the things the bay area has to offer.

just a few weeks ago, my girlfriends and i took a long walk through golden gate park. Some of the things we encountered: chatting with some old guys who were racing their little remote control boats in the lake, the new De Young observatory and museum, the Power to the Peaceful Festival and the Yoga for Peace folks doing yoga on the grassy hill - only in SF! there are usually also hang gliders taking off at the edge of the park towards the beach and kite flying too. i love this city.

the other thing that i'm excited about is really starting to engage with my friends again. i've been kinda hiding since i moved here a couple of months ago because i just felt unsettled and overwhelmed with having no apartment (until last week!) and just starting a new job again (which i still love!). the nice thing is realizing that here, there are all the friends i have known, those i'm getting to re-know again, and the many interesting ones i'm just starting to get to know. it's like a feeling of the familiar and the new all at once.

good times. sf...i'm home.

home sweet home

2006-09-22T19:10:00.000-07:00

I never really thought much about the concept of home until i didn't have one (isn't that usually how it goes?). I haven't slept in my own bed since June and it's taking its toll.

With visiting my family and traveling in July, i didn't really have a home this summer. And when I started work with the optimistic impression that i would be able to find an apartment within a week, i thought that would be quickly resolved.

little did i know that sleeping on my friend JuneBug's couch and living out of suitcases (two to be exact) would be a way of life for me for several weeks more. i can say that i have started getting used to it (not really. i'm just saying that to make myself feel better). granted, my clothes are always in piles squished into my suitcases, my shoes are in a shopping bag, my toiletries are in a bag in a tiny corner of the bathroom (she's my home for now!), and i have no groceries because i don't know how long i'm going to be here. but hey, at least i have a couch right?

i arrived at work one morning with the sudden revelation (i don't know why i didn't think about this before), that my coworkers actually wake up in their own beds, wearing their own pajamas, use their own bathroom where all their toiletries and towels have a home. They eat breakfast in a kitchen that is stocked with their favorite things, maybe make themselves tea and drink it in cups that they can choose from in their cabinets. they decide what shoes to wear not on the basis of which 4 pairs of shoes they have in a shopping bag, but from their full closet.

my morning usually starts with getting up from the couch and putting away the covers and pillow. then i sneak into the bathroom (it's in my friend's bedroom) without waking my friend up to take a shower. then i bring the blowdryer out into the living room (aka, my bedroom) so that i don't wake her up. then i dig into my suitcase and see what's easily accessible in the piles and whether it's wrinkled (no iron in the apt). then i think "black or brown shoes?" because i have one pair of each with me. then i head out and walk a few blocks to my car, for which i spend 20 minutes each night circling for parking.

i came to the realization of this marked difference in my morning compared to my coworkers and thought - THIS BITES. anyway, i'm over it. no, really.

fast forward a few weeks into September and my roommate and I finally find a place. The irony in this whole situation (i have to laugh - or cry - after i've spent hours on the phone with the freaking moving company) is that my movers won't be able to deliver any of my stuff until mid-October. that's SIX weeks after i placed my call - SIX WEEKS since I told them that i'm ready to take my stuff out of the movers' storage and get it delivered. SIX WEEKS. i'm laughing. i'm laughing right now.

the really sad thing is that i am really excited to have my bed (it's in hayward right now) and a closet and my own bathroom in the next week. that means i get to hang my clothes instead of scrounging around in a suitcase. that means a bed instead of a couch. that means toiletries in the cabinets instead of digging in a bag. baby steps. baby steps.

and what i dream of these days is not to see my boyfriend (who lives in chicago), because i know when i will see him next. it's not of winning the lottery or my next vacation. it's having an apartment again. it's having a haven to hide when the world gets stressful. it's having the comfort of my own things. it's having the idea of home again.

some might say that these are just material possessions and that they don't really matter. and i might have said that before too. but sometimes, after a long 11 hour work day and driving around looking for parking and recovering from a cold, it's just nice to have my bed and comforter, a warm bath, my owh kitchen and a living room i can just kick my feet up in.

Entries from the airport...

2006-09-06T23:31:00.000-07:00

Sorry I've been MIA (again). Just got back from Egypt this past weekend. Haven't had a chance to write about that or my Morocco trip yet. Sick with a big head cold, loving my job and close to finding an apartment i think (but otherwise still living out of a suitcase and a couch). Below are two entries I wrote during my five hour layover at the airport - thought i'd share....

Poopiness

2006-09-06T23:30:00.000-07:00

Today was one of those mornings where I couldn’t remember what day it was or what I was getting up to do. To add to my confusion, it was still dark out when my alarm went off at 5:45 a.m. A time that my alarm clock has not seen in a very, very long time.

I was excited though, once I got up because I remembered that I was supposed to fly to Chicago today to meet up with the rest of the people I’m flying to Egypt with tomorrow. I was still excited until I found out it was cancelled. And when I found out my flight at SFO turned out to be in Oakland. And when I found out that it was rescheduled for close to five hours later. And when I realized that I forgot my camera battery at home. And as I sit here writing this at the airport, realizing that the lack of sleep and the frazzled life I’ve led the last couple of weeks has fully caught up with me with this full-blown cold. Sniff. Sniff. Cry for me Argentina, why don’t you.

But still, four other folks and I from bschool are leading a group of 20 people who are starting their first year at school on this trip to Egypt for the next week. I remember what it was like as though it was yesterday (not two years ago) - how excited I was to take a break from work, meet tons of new and interesting people and travel to places I’d never thought I’d go (like Iceland). So I know I have to put on that happy face (come on, sing along with me!).

It’s funny, working at a school district now, how much my perspective changes. I watch the really good teachers, who put on a happy face for 6-8 hours a day for 30 kids (6-8 year olds!) no matter what’s going on in their life and I can’t imagine how exhausting it is to force myself to do that right now and make happy/nice even when I’m feeling poopy. Yes, I just said poopy. Sigh. Teachers rock.

So I’m gonna try my best to get drugged up on medication and not be a Debbie Downer when I arrive tonight (13 hours from when I left the house, mind you. Okay, I gotta stop. Sniff.Sniff).

Okay, time to go blow my nose. Maybe it’ll be like yoga. Blow all the negative poopiness out. Breathe positive niceness in.

Alright, off to the pyramids.

The Night Time People

2006-09-06T23:29:00.000-07:00

My parents are funny people. They rarely leave the house after 8:30 pm or so. They go to bed around 9 or 10 pm. Night time is an undiscovered world to them. They also think it’s dangerous at night, because that’s when the hoodlums come out (and when the news reports say that shootings, muggings and rapes happen). And granted, we live in the semi-ghetto (okay, not really. Okay, kind of.).

So one night, my sister is at my parents’ house baking something for her coworker’s birthday the next day and forgets an ingredient. She announces to my parents that she’s going to drive to the supermarket a couple blocks away to pick it up. My parents spazz out. My dad asks, “Why didn’t you buy that before?” Um. Cuz I forgot. “Is the supermarket even open still?” Um. It’s like, 8:45 p.m. “Maybe I should drive you.” No, it’s okay. I’m 25. I go out later than this most nights of the week.

Finally, my sister gets so frustrated with the conversation that she leaves to change and head out. By the time she gets downstairs, my mom is sitting there, dressed and ready to go. “What are you doing mom?” “Oh, I just thought I’d come with you.” She says this as though she’d just had a sudden urge to spend quality time with my sister and had a hankering for nectarines. Sneaky devil. But we’re too smart for that. We know the truth. Mom and dad are old school, paranoid, overprotective Asian parents. The story of my life.

So my sister finally relents and as they pull into the parking lot at 9:10 p.m., my mom says, “Wow, there’s cars here. Who are all these people?” As they enter the supermarket, my mom says, “Wow, there’s so many people here. People are out and shopping this late?”

I thought it was so mind blowing that in my parents’ minds, the world outside shuts down after 8 p.m. I thought this until this morning when I was riding the subway at 6:30 a.m. As I was walking to the station, I was looking at all the people up this early on a Saturday morning, and I thought, “Wow, who are all these people?” Jogging, walking their dogs, going to work. It was a world undiscovered. When I got to the station and hopped onto my train, I was marveling at how many people were actually on the train. Each two-seat row pretty much had at least one person sitting in it. “Who are all these people? What are they doing up during this ungodly hour on the weekend?” Then I realized, this is my version of when the world is shut down. In fact, this is the world my parents are a part of every morning. These are the people they see. These are the people they are familiar with and relate to. They weren’t so much overly paranoid (okay, maybe a little) as just very unaccustomed to the nighttime world. Hmm, I guess, we’re not that different after all.

TGIF?

2006-08-04T18:40:00.000-07:00

My day was going so well today until about 5:12 pm today when i realized that my wallet was missing/stolen. There has been a history of items (wallets, purses, flash drives) that have gone missing from our office/conference room and I don't remember if i left the wallet somewhere or if it was actually taken. Yay first week of work...

The thing about discovering it at 5:12 pm is that if you know a school district, 99% of the people were gone for the weekend already. I couldn't backtrack my day because offices were locked and I had no money to pay the toll to cross the bridge and get home ($3 to be exact and i had no ATM card, credit card or cash to my name). I finally saw someone in the hallway and borrowed 12 quarters that were on his desk. Thank god boys do nothing with their change.

To add salt to the wound, i get a call about 5 minutes after I get into my car and find out that i didn't, again, get the great apartment i applied for last night. Apparently, since my roommate was in Africa and he couldn't meet her, we got passed. Also apparently, he couldn't verify my employment because the district phone number is so convoluted.

To add more salt to a growing wound, 5 minutes later, i was merging lanes to get to the bridge and some idiot woman about my age in the passenger seat of the car i was trying to merge in front of starts yelling out the window. it took a moment to realize that she was yelling "you little f**king whore!" at me. Apparently, she had no idea that it was a merge (that's why there are two lanes and ARROWS drawn on the road smarty) and thought i was trying to cut in. I was in such a bad mood already, i rolled down my window and yelled, "ever heard of a merge? that's what the arrows are for!" i wanted to add "and don't call me a whore. you don't know me and i refrained from calling you one despite how you look!" but by then i was happily in front of her in the lane.

2 minutes after that, i'm on the phone cancelling my credit cards, when i deal with a foreign operator with a bad connection, who after i tell him my wallet was stolen twice in the conversation, asks, "and ma'am, was your wallet stolen?" just like he was reading the next question in the checklist in front of him. Poor man, i almost blew up at him with all my displaced frustration (okay, so maybe i did, just a little).

by the time i'm on my next credit card cancellation call, i'm across the toll booth and we are merging lanes onto the bridge. guess who but the idiot lady zips by me in their car while she's yelling more expletives at me with her cigarette dangling in her hands. I believe she varied it up and instead of whore called me several different versions of bitch. i promptly rolled down my window and yelled something like "up yours!" before i realized that i was still on the phone with the credit card operator. i'm so classy.

Anyway, just had to vent a little about my icky ending to a good week (and still no apartment!). off to another open house now, actually. wish me luck!

The SF Initiation

2006-08-01T22:11:00.000-07:00

Well, two days after moving back to the bay area, I have already been initiated back into the city limits. That's right. I got my first parking ticket ($40! gasp!) within my first 48 hours. Ah, nothing like San Francisco parking.

A Little Life Update

2006-06-19T17:49:00.000-07:00

i thought i'd give a lil update on my life for the next couple of months so people won't wonder why i'm out of commission. Sorry if i haven't returned calls or written back to emails - the last couple of weeks of finals, graduation, moving and family visits has just left me insane and probably not very fun to chat with.

Yes - i have graduated. I am now a full-fledged working adult once again. boo. hiss. i'm not over it yet.

This week, i'm going to be flying back to LA to visit the fam and then to the bay area to finalize all my work stuff, like fingerprinting and TB shots. Hey - i'll be at a school district. That's what they do. For those of you who don't know, I'm going to be a Fellow for The Broad Residency in Urban Education for the next two years in Oakland. The program places us with the management team of large urban school districts across the country to work on different strategic initiatives involving things like operations, budgeting, performance metrics, etc. I'm thrilled and lucky to have gotten the opportunity to do this - it's exactly what i wanted - education, strategy, business. And my particular role involves standardizing what defines success at the 158 schools in Oakland but also working with the parents and community organizers to get there. I had to go through three rounds of interviews including two brutal 12-hour interviews involving group exercises and critique, reading a 40-page case and over 12 one-on-one interviews. wish me luck - here's to believing it was worth it!

After the district goes through all the paperwork to confirm i am not a criminal, i will be celebrating my boy toy's birthday at the end of June (happy bday shout out to dodger, yo! he just LOVES it when i talk like that) and then flying to Morocco for three weeks. It'll be my first time to Africa and it will be an all-girls' trip. Exciting!

I'll be back to the bay area and starting work by August 1st and i can't wait to hang out with my bay area buddies again - don't forget about me! End of August i'll be making one last trip for the year to Egypt for a week with dodger and about 24 other people as part of a kellogg thing. can't wait for the magic carpet ride...

anyway, that's all for now. can't wait to chat with folks soon!

It's Been A Bittersweet Symphony...

2006-06-19T17:11:00.000-07:00

What is happening right this moment:

I'm sitting on the floor in the corner of the small dining room of my apartment while my movers are wrapping all the furniture. As i'm watching the movers, I keep falling asleep as we speak (those who know me know that this is one of my talents), which is likely due to the fact that i have literally gotten 6 hours of sleep over the last two days and have been sleeping in a makeshift bed.

I graduated (woohoo! and boo!) on Saturday and was out with friends til 5 am for what we have been calling "one last time" for the last three weeks. Then last night, i stayed up packing til 5:30 am and had restless sleep til 8 am this morning when i had to carry a couch three blocks down the street.

I've been so busy over the last couple of weeks and have tried really hard not to get emotional about graduating. But i think now, as my last box is being sealed and i will be the only thing left in this once warm and now empty apartment, it's really hitting me. We're going to be gone from this place. We will be scattered across the country and the world and will be back to the daily grind - potentially for the rest of our lives.

No more calling friends who live on your floor or across the street just to grab a drink or dinner 5 times a week. No more Monday night poker games that get 15-20 people to come each time at a moment's notice. No more waking up at noon on a Thursday and saying, i should really start my day now. Life has been good (especially if you ignore all those documents that Sallie Mae keeps sending).

It is pretty amazing how deep friendships can run in the span of just two years. We've been through so much together in such a short time. Business school has been a condensed moment of stress, support and growth for all of us and i think we did not fathom the degree to which this would make us closer.

We had a brunch yesterday so that a group of our close friends could finally meet our families. A few of us cried during my friend Bones' little speech (including my mom and my sister and i could have sworn my dad wiped his eye quickly). I suppose part of the closeness is that many people are going through momentous events in their lives at the stage that they go to business school. I have been invited to three weddings since i started school and no doubt will be attending a few more in the next couple of years. I have shared in the celebrations of several babies coming into the world and witnessed friends falling in (and out of) love. I suppose i should see this time as one of those moments in life when you are saddened you are at the end of something great but it is in fact the beginning of so many other good things. To the class of 2006 - may there be more weddings, babies, poker games and celebrations to be had together - it's not goodbye, but see you soon!

My weather forecast for the next few days:

2006-05-11T10:08:00.000-07:00

No exaggeration. Gotta love Cali.

a few down, a bunch more to go

2006-04-16T23:21:00.000-07:00

well, so far so good with my social contract. I've organized a drinks night at a local bar for all my classmates who are gonna be in the bay area (74 in all if you count internships!). I've had one swimming lesson so far. Had my placement test for Chinese class (i passed to intermediate!). Cooking more - had a dinner party at my house with some friends. Pasta puttanesca - mmmmm. And for the most part, i'm doing all my reading and work for my classes.

As for getting to know Chicago better, i've started compiling a list of things i want to do and have started sending out invites for them. let's see how many i can actually check off in the next 7 weeks...

Bob Chinn's Crabhouse (http://www.bobchinns.com/) - for those of you who have never heard of this place, it's about 40-50 minutes outside of Chicago and has been around for about 15 years. They serve all sorts of fresh seafood (you got it, crab is one of them) that is flown in fresh daily and can be prepared, like, 7 different ways. They are one of the top 5 grossing independent restaurants in the country and they serve 3,000 customers a day. Can't wait. Hmm. Seafooooood.
Art Institute of Chicago - believe it or not, i STILL haven't gone after a year and a half.
Too Much Light Makes the Baby Go Blind - The longest running show in Chicago, this is the Neofuturists' signature show that attempts to do 30 mini-plays in 60 minutes. It changes up often so that each time is a different experience and the cost of tickets is $7 plus $1 times the roll of a single six-sided die.
Baha'i House of Worship - it's the only one in the country (there are 9 in the world) and it's only a mile and a half from our school. Supposed to be beautiful.
Architectural Boat Tour - supposed to be great views during the good weather season and really interesting background on how the second city was developed.
Brunch and neighborhood shopping - lots of cool neighborhoods in Chicago and what better way to explore than to go to brunch in a different neighborhood each time (on a weekday to beat the crowds) and do a little shopping afterwards. Orange, Toast, M. Henry, here i come!
Dim Sum at Phoenix Restaurant - i know, i know. growing up in the chinatown suburbs (we had a plaza we called the Great Mall of China), it's gonna be hard to compare dim sum in the windy city to Southern Cal, but a girl's gotta try! You can only live without dim sum for so long!

my spring social contract

2006-04-09T15:02:00.000-07:00

so Mark Albion, an entrepreneur, business man, motivational speaker of sorts came to give us a chat last quarter. one of the things he talked about was making a social contract with yourself. tell your friends or your family your goals for yourself for the next few months, years, whatever. this is a social contract that you put out into the open and that other people can call you out on and this will help you stick to your goals without getting too sidetracked. "Remember when you said that five years from now, you were gonna quit your high-powered job and become a teacher?" "Remember when you said that no matter what, money wasn't going to take over your life?" "Remember when you said that next quarter you weren't gonna be a drunken lush anymore?" Well, somethings can change...

so here's my social contract for this quarter before i graduate, so i can make sure to try and do them:

COOK MORE! playing host is fun and when you have more time and are addicted to the Food Network, it's even more fun. biggest accomplishment will be perfecting mom's famous burmese dishes.
LEARN HOW TO SWIM. yes, i know i know. i grew up in california. i took lessons at the Y. but REALLY (why doesn't anyone believe me?), i don't know how to swim. i even won a set of swimming lessons at the charity auction ball. but my nice friend Baby Corn is giving me free lessons at the gym. yay for not drowning. at least spring brings better weather and i will be in better shape too.
LEARN MANDARIN FLUENTLY. okay, so i'm chinese and i can technically speak it. to maybe 3rd graders. or my boyfriend's grandma for about 3 sentences (then she starts to look really confused). but i can speak in my dialect fluently (but no one speaks my dialect, so it's like being a shoe salesman in a city filled with people with no feet). i'm planning to take chinese lessons if freaking Berlitz would ever call me back and give me that darn placement level test. i'm trying - you have to give me credit for that.
GET TO KNOW CHICAGO BETTER. there are so many things i've wanted to do over the last couple of years in the city and i've just been too busy or a lazy ass to go check it out. but now, time is short! architectural tour. funky plays. neighborhood brunch and shopping. jazz clubs. the weird old guy who sits in front of whole foods everyday. whatever, i'm game!
DO WELL IN MY CLASSES. so it's not that i haven't done well in my classes. but let's just say that i don't necessarily read all of the assignments. or put my 100% in all the projects. this quarter, i'm gonna try and really learn. i'm gonna read before class. i'm gonna participate. i'm gonna be the student that my professors have always wanted. yeah - it's only 2nd week (or is it 3rd?), so i'm still feeling ambitious...
BAY AREA PEOPLE UNITE! organize an SF happy hour for all the people in my graduating class who will be working in the bay area. i think there's 30-40 of us. why not get the party started now?
REGULAR HANG OUT TIME before we all go our separate ways. it's hard, but we're trying to do regular brunch things and dinner things and i've now ventured into this whole new world of couples dinners. apparently people have been doing this all year. who knew? i wanna get in on dis.
GET TO KNOW PEOPLE I HAVE ALWAYS LIKED, but never gotten to know before we all graduate. you know those people. you always have great conversations when you bump into them. can tell they are great people and totally likeable. but you guys swing in different circles and never make an effort to get to know each other better. i like them. these people are not to be confused with the ones i've tried being friends with for a year and a half now and have come to the sorry conclusion that, no, i still don't like you after all that. don't worry. it's you, not me.

nice people have character

2006-04-06T23:57:00.000-07:00

i think it's interesting that when nice people perform an act of kindness - like they do every day in their lives - others react with "that's nice. it's so like [insert nice person's name here] to do that" and when mean people do something nice - for once in their lives - people are like "wow, that's so great of [insert mean person's name here] to do that!" and seem to appreciate it so much more.

i was reading material for my class for tomorrow and came across a quote from Alexis de Tocqueville who said that personal character constituted "the habits of the heart" to describe character as "a consistent pattern that constantly recurs, expressing who we are by what we do. No single act or statement shapes our character."

So next time someone says something nice or does something kind, appreciate it for who that person has always been to you, not just for his or her one act of kindness. my public service announcement of the day.

how sweet it is

2006-04-05T20:26:00.000-07:00

i am going to miss the student life a lot. a replay of the last twenty-four hours reminds me just how sweet it is:

went to Pete Miller's last night - a local bar for a friend's birthday. Bumped into 10 or so more friends there coincidentally. so nice. good friends.
went on to The Keg (yes, that's what it's called) for a performance by a couple of classmates who are in a band called the Rocket Pockets. Bumped into a gazillion other people i know. my boyfriend was a guest bartender there that night for a Special Olympics fundraiser (NOT as fancy as it sounds) and had on the perfect attire - an Afro wig. In order for them to maximize the bar's use of him, i told about 20 of his friends to order the most complicated drinks possible during his shift. worked like a charm. ;)
went to go find food after a night at the bars, only to find that at 2:30 am, most things around this quaint town are closed. off to bed - no class on Wednesdays anyway.
woke up after a good 7 hours of sleep to head over to brunch and book club meeting. it's a group of good girlfriends and we read all the business books that we always say we should get around to reading (The World is Flat, Blink, etc) and talk about it over brunch. you can call me a geek, but what are you doing on your Wednesday mornings/ afternoons?? not having a denver omelette discussing how the world is becoming more globalized i bet. yeah, thought so.
dentist appt in the middle of the day - not the highlight, but it's still not work...
it's the afternoon now. nice and sunny outside. nice time to meet with a couple more friends at a cafe to go over our plans this summer to travel to Morocco for three weeks. life is good. especially with iced chai lattes.
go home, think about a nap and instead decide to do some work for the board i sit on as part of a Board Fellows program at school and then check email (i don't care what people say, email is work to me!)
decide to cook dinner tonight (beef stew - chinese style, mabo tofu, soup, kale) and watch the latest episode of Lost (it's sooo good. and why does Kate always look so fresh and clean?)
i realize i don't have any class tomorrow either. hmm, another free day. what to do...

This may seem boring to you, but as my last 9 weeks here start to dwindle down quickly, i realize that every Wednesday come this fall, i will definitely not have the luxury of doing most of these things, if any, when i'm working again. I mean, i do want to work again. don't get me wrong. in the sense that i'll be doing something real again that effects more people than just myself or a group project in a class. that will be gratifying. but i'm not gonna lie - life's pretty good right now.

just soaking in the sun and thinking about Morocco...

some like it hot

2006-03-25T22:03:00.000-08:00

just got back from spring break in Brazil this morning (5 am - ugh!). tired and jetlagged and i could not think of anything better than coming back a day early to take naps, veg out, do laundry and pay bills. i've also had a chick flick marathon watching You've Got Mail, My Best Friend's Wedding and some cheesy movie called Wedding Date. yes, i lead an exciting life. ah, what a nice day (minus the 30 degree weather in contrast to the 90s and 80s in brazil, sigh says the california girl).

on my two weeks in hot hot hot Brasilia:

Americans are waaay too suspicious/cynical of kind actions from strangers. Brazilians are so nice and friendly that i think my friends felt they were always out to get something (money, booty, etc). i can't even imagine what tourists to the States must think of us...
why do bathroom stall doors in airport bathrooms open inwards? we're all dragging around big pieces of luggage for god's sake. don't the airport designers get that (p.s. o'hare is the only one i've found that has stall doors that open outwards - go o'hare designers! minus that weird 70's-neon-lights-i'm-on-drugs walkway)
Did you know Brazil is the 5th largest country in the world?
i have sweet feet - i got 10 bug bites on this trip, 6 of which are on my feet. ouch and itch!
on a related note, i didn't take those malaria pills. and now i have all these bug bites. hmm. but it takes 6 months to incubate. but i stole back a leaf in the jungle that's supposed to cure malaria in the form of tea. hmm. oops. was i not supposed to say that?
deet is scary (esp that lethal 98% jungle juice stuff). it took off nail polish, color from clothes and a layer of my purse. but clearly it didn't keep the bugs away - go figure.
tans are overrated and that's not because i'm jealous that i didn't get a chance to lie out more...
Brazilians in every age, shape and form are NOT afraid to wear dental floss and/or speedos for swimsuits
The women are hot, the men are not
Our encounters with Brazilian men included "can i go home with you?" "let me tell you how hangliding is like sex," "arigato" (with hands clasped and bowing), "are you japanese?" and a slow drive-by complete with staredowns and kissy noises. yeah, i know, it was hard for us girls to hold back
We got to visit Iguacu Falls, the Amazon and Rio De Janeiro - Brazil is such a beautiful country - animals, bugs, heat, beaches, waterfalls and all!
We seem to attract trouble: We got pulled over by officials with their hands on their guns and a couple of our guys got the pat down. A girlfriend got into a yelling match with a brazilian guy outside of a club. A handful of us got pulled over by immigration officials at the airport for "massive trouble" - we must just look all mysterious and dangerous like. yeah, that's it.
I'm gonna miss my friends a lot when we graduate. what a great, different group of ppl i never would have ever gotten to know if i had not come to school - i think we had 5 ethnicities, vegan, vegetarians, east coasters, west coasters, midwesterners, ex-bankers, marketers, nonprofit and a dozen other ways to slice it. i got to see a little more of glimpse into each of them on this trip and it just reinforces to me that there's a lil somethin beautiful in everyone when you take the time to look. miss you guys already brasilia crew!

i was, like, a mall rat for a day

2006-02-24T19:09:00.000-08:00

last weekend i did something i haven't done in about 15 years. I sat in a mall food court for about 4 hours checking out teenagers. oh, yes, that's what my massive business school dollars are going towards.

before you get all weirded out, no, i wasn't there to hook up with some dude so i can wear his varsity jacket. i was there with my market research group for some work we're doing for a friend who wants to open up an upscale salon targeted at "tween" girls.

Our mission - yes, we chose to accept it - was to get at least 50 "tweens" (girls age 10-16) to fill out a survey for a conjoint analysis we were conducting about how much they were willing to spend on things like manicures, pedicures etc. Before you start to yawn, here are a few things that made it interesting:

two of my team members where dudes, so they were really concerned about getting arrested for looking like they were hitting on teenage girls. i thought that was kind of funny, esp since one of them is married with a kid due next month, so i made one of them come with me on our first "hit" of girls. she totally dissed him. sorry, max. maybe it was the wool-sweater-over-the-collared-shirt professor look. (p.s. our professor said he had bail money set aside for that weekend...just in case)
according to research we found, these girls spend about $50-$100 a week on entertainment! that's more than i got in a month's allowance when i was growing up. to think - all the keds and colored socks i could have bought...
our biggest concern was the mall cop - the man (or woman) who wears a ranger hat and dresses like a cop, patroling the mall for hoodlums like us (we're technically not allowed to administer surveys in a mall without permission). but we had a strategy down, man. no clipboards to flag us. identify a homebase table. order fries or a drink every hour or so to look like we wanted to just "hang" as kids these days call it. wear cool shirts that say "try me" or "bad ass" to fit in with the cool kids. give out free colorful nail files (which ended up looking like sharp weapons, but hey, whatever.)

Anyway, four hours and 54 surveys later (we even got a guy to fill one out!), mission accomplished! Must have been that "bad ass" shirt i wore.

To further prolong the adventure, on the way home, Max says "John, have you ever had a flat tire?" No exaggeration, 30 seconds later, John's tire blows out on the freeway, the tire rolls down the side of the hill and we're stuck on the shoulder. Strike two for Max today! I also love it when i'm in Chicago at 19 degree temperatures when this kind of stuff happens. it's pretty fun. at least i was looking hip with my "bad ass" shirt.

Where do you fall?

2006-02-16T17:15:00.000-08:00

a non-valentine's day valentine's moment

2006-02-15T22:34:00.000-08:00

a couple of weeks ago, i was having a bad start to the day and my bf comes home with a "surprise." He is excited and busts out some seven-layer dip and a bag of tortilla chips. Now, my first thoughts were, "well, that's nice, but he knows i hate junk food right? what the heck? (yes, we say things like heck and darn). this would be the last thing i'd pick out at the store..." He saw my look and said, "well, okay. these are more for me. i figured you might not want this. so i got you these too." a bag of fresh grapes and a bouquet of flowers. does he know me or does he know me?

okay - you may officially barf now.

happy belated heart day everyone!

i'm OK with no K

2006-02-15T22:28:00.000-08:00

as predicted, i didn't get cast in Special K. but honestly, i wasn't really all that disappointed.

one, i knew there were a lot of other talented people who were trying out (and i was not necessarily at the top of that rung); two, my bf didn't make it either (a real boo, but at least we will actually see each other the last quarter i'm here); three, i did it for the BALLS baby! i needed to show i had some balls to just be able to go through with it. and i did. to me, that's all that matters in the end.

it's a new day - what's the next challenge?

baby oh baby...corn

2006-02-12T16:47:00.000-08:00

no but really, where does baby corn come from?

i was thinking that the other day. i don't think i've ever seen "fresh" baby corn like i do other veggies. i mean, really, it always comes in a jar or at the salad bar. and is it in fact real corn? A mutant? How does it grow? Where? I decided to find the answers the all these questions and more. Thought others might be having the same veritable quandry so wanted to share what i found on this great site called Ask Yahoo!:

"Those tiny corncobs aren't genetically mutated dwarf ears of corn -- they're just immature ears of regular corn - many varieties of corn can be used to produce baby corn. The secret is in the harvesting. Baby corn ears are picked by hand immediately when the silks emerge from the ear tips or a few days after. Corn matures quickly, so the harvest must be timed carefully to avoid ending up with normal corn ears. Baby corn ears are generally 4.5cm to 10cm in length and 7mm to 17mm in diameter.

Most baby corn commercially available in the U.S. is grown and processed in Asia, particularly in Thailand. Because baby corn must be picked by hand, it is too labor-intensive for most American farms. It's been an extremely important crop in Thailand since 1976, and other Asian nations have also begun producing and exporting it. Perhaps this is why baby corn is so often found in Asian recipes."

So i guess it's kinda like eggs. You take em and ship em before they get "ripe". Those poor little baby corns - cut down before their prime. Sigh. Anyhow, now you know.

Special K is good for the heart

2006-02-12T16:25:00.000-08:00

Today was a big day for me.

I decided last week that i was going to try out for our school's big annual production, Special K. Some might say, "so what's the big deal?" But you don't understand. I have this huge fear of performing in front of other people. Huge!

And to make things more scary, here's what the audition entailed:

a dance routine to music that we had to learn in a "dance clinic" a week before (not easy)
pick a song and sing it for a minute in front of a panel of five
they pick a song for you to sing and then you have to sing bars on a scale
they make you rap (oh, yes i did, yes i did.)
read a monologue as some weird character (i was assigned a pro wrestler who is directing the safety instructions on a plane)
act out two improv games

It was one of the most nerve-racking things i've ever done and i'm so glad i went through it because i know that once i graduate, i'm not going to have another opportunity to try something like that again. and regardless of whether i make the cut (i'm not holding my breath), i still feel a sense of accomplishment.

It's nice to think that i'm still willing to pushing my limits once in a while. just thinking about the audition now still makes my stomach tingle. but i feel like as we get older and more set in our ways, we don't try and venture out to try different things as much anymore, don't like to get out of our comfort zone. but in the end, that's how we continue to grow and learn and become better and stronger people no matter what age we are.

i gotta remind myself of that 20 years from now.

you dog you - happy new year

2006-02-02T23:23:00.000-08:00

happy chinese new year everyone! (okay, so it was sunday, but better late than never). year of the dawg, yo. check out your horoscope for the year: http://chinese.astrology.com/year/index.html?ice=ast,tabchi,dog (p.s. if you were born in 1977, you're a snake)

i've been thinking about what it must have been like to have grown up asian in the midwest - i'd be such a different person than who i am now. no one here really ever asks me about my culture or anything about being chinese. it just doesn't come up and doesn't seem to be something that people consider part of my identity. compared to SF, where i feel like it comes up all the time and defines who i am.

a couple of weeks ago, my boyfriend and i went to the only chinese restaurant in Evanston. we just wanted to grab a quick lunch and do the cheap lunch special (we're students afterall). We came in and spoke Chinese to the guy (gotta practice sometime) and he got really excited and started to tell us about the special (steamed mutton buns). then he gave us both the lunch menu and the "real" one and said, "oh, you guys probably don't want anything from the lunch menu. here's the good stuff." i looked at dodger and was, like, shoot! does that mean i, as a true chinese, can't order from the lunch menu now? He'll look down on us. he will think we are those total white-washed asian americans who aren't really asian. we aren't! we aren't! i wanted to say. i can speak the language. i know about all the crazy superstitions. i even own those silk slippers. i just want a cheap mabo tofu dish. is that so bad?

we were ready to compromise and order one order from the "real" menu and one order from the lunch menu. then maybe he'd still be able to look us in the eye. then we caved. "Two orders of the mabo tofu special please."

Aw well, i got over it.

Last week, i went over to my friend diva's place and made potstickers from scratch. green onions, water chestnuts, straw mushrooms, ground meat. just like our moms used to make. it was so therapeutic, refreshing, nostalgic. there's just something about these traditions that makes life good again.

on chinese new year, i flew back from dallas (for an interview). i didn't have anything planned but in a last minute of sadness about it, i decided to make a homecooked meal for my boyfriend and i. i couldn't bear not celebrating chinese new year at all. i went to the grocery store to pick up some things and in front of me at checkout was this old chinese lady buying some ingredients for dinner. i don't ever see old chinese ladies around here. she talked with an accent, seemed very kind and reminded me of my mom. made me miss home even more on the new year day. i tapped her on the shoulder, smiled and said, "happy new year". She looked up caught off guard, smiled and touched me on the shoulder and said in chinese, "you are a sweet girl. happy new year too." that made me feel at home, just for a second.

some greens, soup, my potstickers. in the end, it became a really nice meal. nothing even close to what mom used to make - she'd cringe. but alas, that's just a telltale that my version of chinese will never be what it was growing up. i'm just as american as i am chinese now. but it's a part of me that i don't think i'd ever let go of. kinda like mabo tofu.

january

2006-01-16T23:42:00.000-08:00

is it really january? i've always had good feelings about january. as illogical as it is (because really, each month is just as good as any other), it always feels like the time to cut bad habits, have fresh starts, and get excited about new possibilities.

a few of my closest in the world have been feeling bummed lately. a lot of transition and expectations. what i know is that you guys have more talent and heart than most people out there and it saddens me when you start to doubt yourselves and can't see for yourself how wonderful you are. it's like you're a big bear and you've got these f**king claws...

anyway, i can smell it in the air (and it's not just my bf's puke from his night of drunkeness this weekend) - great things are going to happen this year. watch out world. here they come.

MLK what?

2006-01-16T23:07:00.000-08:00

so our university rescheduled all of our classes today in order for us to be able to observe martin luther king day. this meant a break between 11 am and 2 pm with choir ensemble performances, a speech from the mayor and a keynote from Kweisi Mfume (a former house representative, baltimore politician, NAACP president and CEO among many other things).

I thought it was great that if we aren't going to get the day off, at least the school was making a concerted effort to observe the holiday. rearranging class schedules for professors and 1200 students is no easy task.

the ceremonies took place in a concert hall on campus and was also video streamed into one of the major auditoriums in my building as the business school part of the university. what disappointed me the most was that while the concert hall was fairly packed, when my bf and i showed up in our auditorium, there were only about 20 people there (the auditorium holds several hundred). prior and following this was a clear lack of interest from our general student body - complaints more about having to adjust to a new schedule today or not getting the day off entirely - rather than any interest in what Mfume or the mayor had to say or furthermore, thinking about why we're actually observing the day of MLK.

If you think about it, MLK stood for leadership, taking action to make things better in the world, learning to leverage one's intelligence, passion and power to be able to do so and inspiring others at large to make these things happen. and at my business school, a top 3 in the country, we are the very people who are in the position to do this. we will graduate and work in positions of leadership, power and influence. i only hope that we're being groomed for the right goals.

extortion, in n out and finance grades, oh my!

2006-01-09T14:48:00.000-08:00

wow - almost 2 months since my last post. i suck. (and have a gazillion thoughts swimming around in my head that need to get out!). it always feel like life is moving fast, there's always something hectic happening and all i wanted was to lie around in my pjs, eat my mom's cooking and watch movies for the break.

regardless, i guess it makes for interesting experiences. had a lot of great/weird/thoughtful experiences over the course of the holidays, some of which were the following:

Semi-dislocated my shoulder on a ski trip to Steamboat, Colorado in December. Only movement limitation i have now, it seems, is the ability to play air hockey. i think i'll live. At least now i can do the Chicken again.
Traveled around Myanmar with 26 of my relatives on a bus for two weeks. Conclusion? I love my family! They know how to eat good food, grow old and still have fun with passion, and be selfless when it means the most.
Mazlow's hierarchy of needs was greatly at play on my 2-week trip to Myanmar. I never thought i would appreciate electricity, a modern toilet, dry clothes, clean feet, hand sanitizer, bug repellent, or In 'n Out SO much.
Seeing my parents' old houses, neighbors and neighborhoods, universities was a once in a lifetime experience (it was their first time back in 30 years). for the practical, rational people that they are (not a single tear or sentimental thought came out of their mouths), i know it meant a lot to them.
Got stuck on a one-lane road on a rainy, muddy mountain for 7 hours because of a truck stuck in the middle of the road! The solution: dig out part of the mountain and manually carried over rocks so cars can pass. the gatekeeper had fallen asleep and was the one who let all the cars/trucks come up to cause the congestion. what the??
My mom got extorted at airport security on our way home. I was pissed and scared and beside myself. But it was $10 which = A LOT to them and minimal to us. I am so lucky and privileged to be who and where i am in the world. and i can't jump to conclusions about the oppression and corruption about a country like Myanmar without better understanding the sacrifices and way of life of those who are forced to live in it.
Despite all the madness, i'd go back to Myanmar in a heartbeat. The people are kind and open, the food amazing, and the land and sights breathtaking. two weeks was too short.
Family is just like high school. Relatives peg you a certain way (the smart one, the airhead, the baby etc.) and whatever you do, good or bad, reinforces that image to them. Anything that conflicts with that image is a one-time exception. No matter how you grow or change as a person, this stereotype is virtually inescapable.
New Year's Eve is overrated. I arrived in LA from the airport, had in n out and fell asleep just after midnight. it was fabulous.
This year, LA to me = blackouts, flashflood warnings and a wet Rose Parade for the first time in 60 years. boo.
And i now think 30 degrees here back in Evanston is great weather. who am i?
Christmas cards, post cards and thoughtful phone messages (even when one knows a person is, say, out of the country and won't pick up) are little things that mean a lot to people.
One of my all-time greatest achievements in business school thus far: getting a 89% on my Finance final. it doesn't sound like a lot, i know. in fact, it isn't even an A. but you don't understand how much of a finance jock i'm not, how much i wannabe and how far i've come. yes, i am a dork.

i just vomited a long bunch of things (believe me, there's still a lot running through my head right now) so if you've gotten through all of this, i am v. impressed and feel like i owe you a puppy.

anyway, happy new year everyone! hope your lottery winnings, wedding rings and hot models become a reality this year!

Cold with a chance of snow and...no more flip flops

2005-11-16T20:09:00.001-08:00

and so it begins. the chicago winter.

it's about 22 degrees right now and expected to hit 17 degrees tonight. it was so cold today that my 8 minute walk to school caused my thighs to go numb by the time i got to the school building. you think i joke. this california girl does NOT joke when it comes to cold weather.

i thought about three things on my way home tonight.

first, i thought about my conversation with AbeL yesterday and how it's so amazing to think about the little snow flurries that were blowing by today. How the same natural element can turn into snow today and flutter onto the windows of my living room, be added to my diet coke at lunch, cleanse me in the shower when i get home and evaporate before i can even notice it. it's pretty mindblowing to think that this was created in nature somehow...

second, i thought about how fast life just passes us by - it's another winter already. i bumped into a friend i haven't seen in a while and he drove me home tonight. i was telling him it's so easy to hang out with my friends, but there are a bunch of people i used to bump into all the time last year whom i loved to see and hang out with. but now, it takes a conscious effort to try and contact them - which is too much work for most people, including myself most of the time.

it's so easy to just live each day without really thinking about what we do or how we live. in my leadership class, we talk a lot about how all the great leaders we've studied always took time to reflect on what they were doing, what their vision was for themselves and how to use those realizations to achieve their goals. and i think most of us just try to get through each day without ever asking "why?"

and finally, the thought that keeps ringing again and again in my mind when the weather starts to change like this: I heart California.

waiting is the hardest part (tom petty right?)

2005-11-14T20:54:00.000-08:00

i feel like i've been in a rut lately and not sure why.

i think i'm surrounded by this tornado of people trying to figure out what they want to do with the next stage in their life, how much they are willing to compromise, how to find the courage to do what they are passionate about, how their loved ones fit into the picture...the moods change like the wind everyday with my friends and i'm trying not to get caught up and swept away in the storminess of it all.

but at the same time, i'm starting to wonder - is going into education right after bschool the right thing to do? will it limit my successes later on? should i be responsible and find a job that pays more to support myself (and my future potential house, wedding, family, etc)? what if i decide i hate it?

in my heart, i know i will absolutely love it. that's the only reason i have stayed my course. this summer proved it to me on a practical sense. my conversations with like-minded friends proves it to me on an intellectual and emotional sense. and yet, for some reason i am ill at ease.

i think part of it is coming to terms with the fact that i am not pursuing that brand name company job with that brand name level salary that comes with it. i have some ego for god's sake! :) while people say it's so "honorable" to make the decision i made, it's still an internal struggle sometimes.

i think part of it is also that i will be moving again next year. i have just started to really love my friends and home here. and i finally get to spend some semblance of time with my boyfriend. (tho i fear it will grow distant with our busy schedules). at the same time, i can't wait to see my friends back home again, but know it will take some time to reinsert myself into their lives again as well. and i'll have to do another year of long distance with the boy. and i will be trying to make my place in a brand new company in a brand new industry.

transition = uncertainty = excitement = anxiousness

and all i can do is continue on and wait for all the pieces to fall together.

a whirl of a week!

2005-11-07T22:53:00.000-08:00

i get to celebrate my birthday four times this year - probably one of the most drawn out birthdays i've ever had. it's so weird too because i feel like as we grow older, we move apart and get wrapped up more in our own lives and yet so many people i thought wouldn't necessarily remember, sent me birthday wishes this year. it really impressed me and made me feel like i really need to be better about that for other people. on top of that, the friends i've made at school over the last year and a half have been nothing but wonderful in making me feel like i've found a place here. i heart my friends and fam.

Friday night: let's whirl some balls! we started the night with dinner at a great little italian place in chicago where we got shushed because we were too loud. dodger got a cake that said "happy birthday tatertot" on it and wore a shirt with my face on it - long story. then about 40 of us spent the night playing whirlyball, which is a total midwestern thing. it's basically a blend of bumper cars, basketball and lacrosse. You have two teams in bumper cars with lacrosse-like sticks passing around a whiffle ball trying to score baskets. if that sounds fun, it's actually twice as much fun as that...those crazy midwesterners...what am i turning into?

Sunday night: dodger and i had reservations at one of the newest restaurants in Chicago, Carnivale, for our own quiet time dinner. but lame us as students suddenly got bogged down with so much work that we had to cancel those plans and ended up staying in Evanston - but went to a really great place here instead and had a nice time. ah well - no chicago. i keep thinking i can't wait til i graduate, have a normal weekend schedule again (and a paycheck would really help!).

Tonight: my thoughtful friend Red sent out an email today to see if anyone wanted to grab drinks after our night class for my actual bday day (even tho most of them celebrated it on Friday already). so a bunch of us ended up at an irish pub for a low-key drinks and catching up night. just long enough for me to come home and change into my jammies and go to bed at a decent hour. how old am i again?!

Wednesday: two of my closest girlfriends here want to take me out for a massage and then a yum dinner at another fancy restaurant in Chicago, called Green Zebra - so much fun this week, i can't take it! Bad news is i can no longer do the massages. Good news is that it's because i have a job interview with a company that only called back 2 people from our school for their office positions. nervous, but hopeful. keep your fingers crossed. and i still get to try Green Zebra. woohoo!

all in all, i can't get over that people actually want to celebrate my bday with me like this(though one day of celebration would have made me really happy already). it's been a stressful couple of weeks, so this is just what i needed. and it just reminds me that i should be a good friend in return. what goes around comes around and thankfully, this time it's all good things...

why i like halloween

2005-11-02T12:43:00.000-08:00

i like seeing grow ups eat lollipops and dress up like superman.

which urinal would you choose?

2005-10-21T01:06:00.000-07:00

and guys say girls think about weird things...

http://www.drinknation.com/urinaltest.php

why we have sisters

2005-10-17T21:48:00.000-07:00

DanK's quote of the day: "If God meant for dudes to go shoe shopping, he wouldn't have invented sisters."

musical tables

2005-10-02T14:19:00.000-07:00

so most people have heard my predicament with my dining table already, but here's the short end of it:

i bought a dining table set this past june from a graduating student and somewhere between moving out last summer to moving into a diff place this summer, i lost the dining table legs. you might say, so what's the big deal? that's what i thought at first too. And then the snowball began to roll...

so first, i tried to hunt them down - retraced my steps. old apt. new apt. storage space. call the movers. no luck.

then i decide, maybe target might have a decent table. borrow a car. drive 30 mins there. no luck.

at this point, you might ask (as others have), why don't you just go to a hardware store, buy some wood and make table legs yourself? this also sounds easier than it is. first, bschool students are bad about taking care of regular life things like this when we are so good at going out to socialize, doing homework and..blogging instead. second, i have no power tools. third, i have a boyfriend who has problems hanging pictures on a wall. fourth, the table legs would still not match the table (don't get me started on learning to varnish and paint wood...)

then i think, i need a few things from ikea, maybe i'll just try and buy the legs separately while i'm there (the table was from ikea). i borrow a car. drive an hour there. they don't sell the table legs separately.

so my boyfriend and i decide to buy another table instead while we're there. but none of the tables match the chairs from our original table leg-less set. so we have to buy another set of chairs to match the new table.

so doing the math - another $200+ later, on top of the costs of the original dining set i had bought last summer, i have: one dining table, 4 chairs, one dining table top, another 4 chairs and limited storage space.

all because of missing table legs! did i mention that our t.v. doesn't work...