"How bout I throw popcorn in your mouth?"

last night i unwisely ended up at a local bar filled with undergrads. here are some observations as i am, of course, older and wiser now:

1. as you get older, you learn to be a functional drunk. these undergrads were falling all over the place (and on each other, but that's debateable as to whether that was intentional). beer spillage everywhere - what a waste of alcohol. don't stand if you can't hang, weird shiny shirt man.

2. undergrad girls will wear hoochied out clothes no matter where they go on a night out. this is the big "red alert! red alert" in identifying undergrad girls at a local bar (or "prey" as some of my guy friends call them). let me provide the backdrop of where i was: bouncer looks like someone's uncle. they serve battered chicken wings at 1 am. there is a pinball machine. the locals wear flannel. it's called The Keg. not exactly what you might call the hippest place around. but there were halter tops and midriffs abound. let's guess who was wearing them...

3. there IS such a thing as trying too hard, my young undergrad friends. when you are a dude with an unbuttoned shirt and big fluffy hair, please don't toss that head around when you are dancing (imagine open palms next to the ears and elbows out) like you are the next wiliam hung. and don't do it when you are arms length from the girl(s) you are hitting on. because you are literally hitting them.

4. there is always "that" guy. as my friends and i were soaking in the awesome people watching that was occuring in front of our very eyes (this is SO much better than the O.C.!!), a drunk-off-his-ass dude from our class comes over. first - he's there by himself and is about 6 years older than any undergrad that's rejected him that night (red alert! red alert!). he offers us popcorn (this consists of him stuffing it in his mouth and missing, then proceeding to spill it all over us and the floor). then he starts in on my friend:

Ick guy: "You have very nice teeth."
My turned-off friend: "Thanks."
Ick guy: "Did you ever get braces? Cuz you have very nice teeth."
My turned-off friend: "No."
Ick guy: "What's wrong? You must be tired. Am I annoying you? Am I annoying you? Am I?"
(imagine some nice spraying of spit and popcorn residual coming out of his mouth.)

He switches gears. He turns to me.
Ick guy: "Don't you think your friend has nice teeth? I don't think she likes me very much. Did you ever have braces?"
Laughing-my-ass-off me: "Yes, she does. And yes, I did."
Ick guy: "You are from California, huh? I can tell. You are more laidback cuz you are smiling. I don't think your friend likes me very much."
Laughing-my-ass-off me: "Oh, really?"

Turns back to her.
Ick guy: "You should smile more. You have nice teeth. Am I annoying you?"
My turned-off friend: "Yes."
Ick guy: "Do you think I'm weird?"
My turned-off friend: "Yes."
Ick guy: "Do you want me to stop talking?"
My turned-off friend: "Yes."
Ick guy: "How bout I throw popcorn in your mouth? Come on. Open up. What's wrong?"

You gotta love The Keg.