Three years later...

Wow. It's been more than 3 years since my last post. I can't believe how life and time just passes you by. That's in part why I wanted to resurrect my posts again. How else will I remember my random thoughts. Probably, now more than ever, I need an outlet like this to be able to give me the personal space to think again.

What's changed in the last 3 years? I guess all of life's great and bigger transitions have all been compressed in this time frame. I got married. We bought a house. Both my hubs and I have new jobs. I learned what this whole pregnancy and labor was all about and two weeks ago, we welcomed a small precious little son into our lives. It's been both amazing and a lot to take on at the same time and trying to keep some semblance of all the different pieces of yourself, from your past, present to who you want to be in the future, in tact takes a lot of constant work.

Even though these are all the "grown up" things that one is supposed to do at this time in life, there's something to be said about remembering that life is for the light of heart - especially in times when you feel like life has to be so serious. dodger and I have seen too many of our friends hold the weight of mortgages, stress of work and responsibility of kids on their shoulders and you slowly see the youth and joy slip from their everyday experiences. This is something we've promised each other that we won't lose.

Enter: the little bubba. While motherhood and parenthood have been truly amazing overall, I think one can't help but feel like some of that youth slips away. You aren't on just your schedule anymore. Someone else's life is now, literally, in your hands. He poops and pees when he feels like it, sleeps when he feels like it, and eats when he feels like it (at the deteriment and pain of yours truly - bleeding nipples anyone?). If you don't feed him, he won't survive. If you don't care for him, he won't survive. It's kind of mindblowing. All things they tell you and obviously you know, when you enter into this adventure, but man, when it hits you, it REALLY hits you.

Don't get me wrong. He's one amazing experience to behold and with each growing day, I am falling more and more in love in a way I thought I never could feel. And the relationship is so complex when I throw in the love I have for my husband and then the collective love we both have for our son. But I'm still in a place right now where I do feel the weight of his world on my shoulders and I'm struggling to find the tightrope line where I can balance who I was before this with who I need and want to be moving forward. I want to be fun! I want to see friends! I want to be a great mom and a supportive wife! What that looks like, for me, for our family, remains to be seen.

Stay tuned for some potentially late night posts as I enter the world of sleep deprivation in the coming weeks and months...