Monday, July 25, 2011

And I'm back...

It was with a lot of anticipation, anxiety and excitement that I had been awaiting my first day back at work. Last night, I spent 2 hours packing my work bag just right, picking out the right outfit that said "I'm still a professional" and "I don't look pregnant anymore," picking out the perfect photos of the little bubba to put up at my desk so I could look at them when I missed him greatly. All the little things that I could control that would make me feel less stressed about it all.

But despite those things I was still having an identity crisis. Over the last few days, I think the tension between my desired identity as a good mom, successful professional, thoughtful wife and just an interesting person were all colliding and I couldn't make order of who I needed/wanted to be at which moment. I'm sure my husband would agree since he had to deal with my craziness. On the one hand, I wanted to be home as much as possible after work. On the other hand, I wanted to still have a life outside of work and my son. On one hand, I wanted my husband to be able to go see friends and organize social activities. On the other hand, I felt like he'd never understand prioritizing our son the way a mom does (which is silly, I know). I didn't know quite how I would really feel when today came, who of these personas would come out more and predictably, last night the indications of anxiety began to surface.

Last night, as I was holding the little bubba in my arms right before we put him to bed, we decided to take a photo of me and him - to commemorate this moment. After the photo, and as he was staring innocently at me, I started to tear up because his life was flashing before my eyes, growing up in daycare and school while I was at work, me missing all the big moments, how my heart had already started to ache in missing him even though he was right in front of me still. How I jump ahead.

Last night, I also had this dream in which I was starting my first day in college, but I had forgotten which classes I had signed up for and had a sinking feeling I was going to miss the first day of class for one or more of them, setting myself up to fail them from day one. I was also sharing my house with a bunch of other students and the way the showers were set up, I ended up having to shower out in the open in the big living room, where everyone could see me in all my nakedness. And then, right in the middle of the shower, just when I lathered all the shampoo in my hair, the water got shut off and I had to wait for it to turn back on, mid-shower. After it became evident that the water was not coming back on, I had to get dressed, lathered hair and all, and get to class 30 minutes late. In the end, the professor was late too, so I didn't miss anything. It's not that hard to interpret though. First day of school = first day back to work. Having to shower in front of everyone = the vulnerability I felt coming back to work (how I look to others post pregnancy, the fact that I have to pump milk in a conference room with my shirt open twice a day, how I would be perceived as a mom - instead of a professional, etc). Being late/missing class = worried about getting to work late today, about being behind the ball, missing something, not being as good as I was before I left. But like my dream, I think I knew, that in the end, it would all turn out fine.

So how did it go, you ask? That's the funny thing. In many ways, it felt really anti-climactic after all that build up. I gave Spencer a kiss in the morning and handed him off. I got to work a little early. I got through most of my emails. I didn't have any emotional breakdowns and I picked up little bubba right on time from daycare, with not too much traffic. Brought him home, played with him and then put him to bed. End of story.

To be honest, it was so great to see all my coworkers again, sit at my desk, turn on my Outlook, put together my day's to-do list and worry about problems to solve that were different than what toy he wants to play with or what type of bottle he drinks out of best.

But I also felt the urgent need to put up my little bubba's photos immediately, so that I could be reminded of him and see him and know that that's also part of me that I so strongly identify with now, that I can't leave behind. I was also so excited to leave work and to see him the minute I arrived at day care - it was like there weren't enough minutes in the day for me to just stare at his face and hold him. The strangest part of today was that when I brought little bubba home, as I was staring at him and playing with him, it was almost as if the day at daycare had already begun to change/shape him into a different baby while I was gone. I heard a different laugh that I never heard before. He seemed exceptionally happy, perhaps a result of a different kind of interaction with his new friends at daycare. His neck seemed so much stronger already. Even his hair looked like it fell a different way than this morning. All this, I may be imagining, but it's also the reality of the months ahead - staying strong to each of my identities, yet inevitably losing a little bit of each one in the process.

Ah, well, that was day one. Let's see what my dreams tonight will tell me.

1 Comments:

Blogger beachbala said...

I think you summed up my thoughts perfectly. Half way through your entry (when you start "tearing up") I thought, great, now I don't want to go back. But thanks for ending on the note that you did. It's that balance that we all strive for.... Great blog entry!

7:13 AM  

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