i don't wanna grow up, i'm a willy wonka kid

one of the great things about a night like tonight is the feeling of rejuvenation again. i went with a couple of friends to a "walk-in" movie tonight. A random group of people in SF have decided to project movies off the side of a building, provide popcorn and have anyone come and sit on the grass with their blankets after dusk and watch movies. today was willy wonka. it was awesome. and a couple friends then went off to go to catch a show at the laundromat that has live music performances at night. gotta love SF!

tonight was nice not only because i got to step out of the routine adult world for a couple of hours, i was also reminded by the movie, through albiet really random and sometimes cheesy lines, what it's like to have that wonder of life again, as kids do in their everyday.

it's kind of like how i've been gone for a year and coming back allows me to be a tourist again, but this time, i know where all the good restaurants and cool things to do are - i just get to see them again through the eyes of someone afresh of experiences.

lately, i've been feeling like i've become more and more like a (gasp!)...grown up. maybe it's because i find myself not appreciating the kinds of silly things that kids do anymore as much, that i don't laugh as much as i used to, that i just don't feel things (giddy, estatic, pouty) as much as i did before. maybe it's just a lull. but the thing about working in education this summer, is that i'm constantly trying to get into the mind of a kid, to see what they want and need. i ask myself "what is it like to be a kid these days?" or just simply "what is it like to be a kid again?" and i'm finding it's harder and harder to remember that answer. is this what happens when kids say that grown-ups "just don't get it"? am i going to be that uncool adult who says "that was bitchin" and have kids roll their eyes or cover their mouths from laughing? man, that's SO not gonna be me, dude.

i was thinking back today to the times in the last few years that made me really appreciate the experience of the moment. i remember distinctly my last day in italy during my backpacking trip through europe. we were on a budget and were sitting on a bench facing the shore of the adriatic sea eating some cheese on a loaf of bread. we splurged and bought some tomatos to add and then ended the meal with nectarines. it was scorching hot. i was sticky and tired after carrying my 50 lb backpack all day (i weighed less than 100 lbs at the time) and had 12 mosquito bites on my body. but you know what? it was one of the best lunches i've ever had - it was cheap, but it was simple and easy and fresh - things we had learned to appreciate by that point, because really, that was all we really needed. we talked about our adventures with the local Roman men the day before, our new friends who we left playing their guitars in the Paris train station a few days before that and the excitement of stepping foot onto the white sands of a greek island for the first time that day. every day was literally a new adventure. and it was for our choosing. and THAT should be what life is like, as an adult or a child.

the other thing i realized is i think i'm scared of old people. no, really. i think i am. and no, not the old people you see jogging down the block or racing their grandkids down the street or laughing together with their families at dinner. i'm talking about the old people who eat dinner by themselves, the ones who have to worry about crossing the street in time because they just can't walk that fast if their life depended on it, the ones who barely get looked at or talked to by their families when they are around them. the ones who have run out of things they can physically do in a day and just sit.

this recent feeling may have to do with a visit to a convalescent home a couple of weeks ago to visit my uncle, but still. how do i ensure that i, that my parents, don't end up like that? how do i make sure that when i'm old, it's not forgotten that i once had a full life and that i can still carry an interesting conversation?

and how do i overcome this fear of getting old from both angles?