And away I go...

This week was my first flight/trip without the lil bubba and I have to say, it was a little surreal. It feels like a lifetime away since I've taken a trip on my own - without my husband, without my baby. Without a car seat stroller, baby carrier, diapers and wipes, baby toys, baby food, baby bottle. Without having to plan my day around nap times and feedings. Just me and my 1 bag. Amazing.

There were also a lot of the small things I noticed, appreciated, missed in addition to the big things. I'll start with what I appreciated. Travel, is of course, a million times simpler. I have more room in my luggage for my own stuff. I'm not lugging around a ton of things. I don't have to get in the long check-in line to get lil bubba's boarding pass (which you have to do for a "lap child"). The security line doesn't involve breaking down the stroller and car seat, unstrapping him, carrying him through the scanner, reassembling the stroller, car seat and re-strapping him in, in addition to the usual business of taking out my laptop, taking off my shoes, etc.

I also got to sleep when I wanted to on the flight, read a book, listen to my ipod, write this blog entry, watch a movie uninterrupted. Eat a meal continuously. How crazy that it feels like such a long time ago when this felt normal but is now a luxury.

And during the trip, I got to sleep longer than 6 hours at night, go out to dinner past baby bedtime with colleagues to baby un-friendly restaurants with loud blues performances, cramped tables, a hip atmosphere. They were late dinners with even later karaoking, dueling piano bars and dance floors with great DJs (way less awkward this time around not having a baby strapped to my body).

The sole reminder of my duties as a mom was when I had to pump right before going out to dinner each night and how I had to head home by midnight to pump again because my boobs were about to explode (but they were just about to do the Cupid Shuffle!).

And then there's the intellectual stimulation. I feel really fortunate to have gotten this time to reflect on my own practice, learn from smart colleagues, meet people who I deeply respect, think about how I need to develop and grow as a leader, grapple with what it means to truly be part of a movement that is about race, class and privilege. I intentionally made an effort to talk to and meet with people very different than myself to broaden my own limited perspective.

We visited the civil rights museum - the location where Martin Luther King was assassinated, we talked about the movement that abolished slavery in England in the 1800s and how so much still needs to change today. We talked about what it truly means to be part of a community. It was profound for me.

At this point, you may be thinking, does she even like being a mom? Does she remember the little one she has at home?

Rest assured, I had my moments. Believe it or not, I actually missed having him in my lap on the flight. To pinch his cheeks, kiss his forehead, play with him and get him to smile and laugh.

My husband has been sending me pictures all week - "lil bubba wakes up!," "lil bubba during bath time," etc. I was really happy to hear he's doing well and happy. I was also sad that I was missing his happiness and smiles. I so wanted to be there for those pictures after a while, and heck, why is he so happy with his mom gone? Shouldn't he be a little sad?

Towards the end of the week, I started to flip through all my pics of him on my phone during the conference breaks because I needed something to make me feel like he was close by even if he wasn't. I had the most ridiculously dumb smile on my face as I looked through these. I bonded with other colleagues who were new parents because it was another way to feel connected to my little one, and to my identity as a mom.

To be clear, this part of me and the other side are not mutually exclusive. This part of my identity never dissipated when I was experiencing the other things - in fact, it just added a richer layer to everything else.

For example, going out to dinner each night and having fun afterwards, turned out to be setting an example to my other younger coworkers that being a parent and maintaining your spirit for life was possible in our organization and as a women (I didn't know I was doing this until they told me on the last day). And when we have convos about what kind of education all children deserve, I think about the little bubba and what I want for him as a parent now, how privileged I really am and what it means for my work for every other family that doesn't have what I have.

The circuits in my brain are going full force these days about this stuff. Layers and layers and layers. It's an onion, and I'm loving having the chance to peel them back one trip, experience and moment at a time.