sometimes you just need a hug

i haven't slept earlier than 3 am every day this week (this time it's actually for studying), i had 9 hours of class and two intense midterms today and i have five assignments due on monday to look forward to. i have run out of clean laundry, my room looks like a tornado ran through it (you think i'm exaggerating...), i have only strawberries and molding hummus in my fridge (i guess i need some sustanance since it's 9:30 pm now) and all i wanted to do when i came home was collapse in bed and get a big hug. you know the kind of hug when a person's arms shroud you and you let out the deepest sigh you can as though all the built-up tension in you is released completely in those few seconds? that's what i wanted. or maybe it was needed.

but no one was home. and my boyfriend in california was too busy at work to be sympathetic or hold a conversation. and i'm in one of those moods where i actually don't really want to talk to anyone. just me, my pjs and maybe some sex in the city or some other indulgence for tonight.

perhaps i see the always reliable massage in my future...

Marathon Monogamists

"She's one of those" my friend said. My friend Jgirl is dating someone new now. She broke up with an ex before school started, started dating someone in the summer, they broke up, she was stalked by her ex for a short period, then she started dating the guy from the summer again, they broke up and now she's dating someone new - someone that makes her really happy it seems.

My friend Red said "ah, she's one of those." I said, "what do you mean?" Red replies, "She's one of those people that always has to be dating someone." It's the third time this week that this concept has been brought up, which i thought was strange (spring is here, love is in the air?).

These people are what i like to call Marathon Monogamists - people who go from one relationship to another and is never single for more than a couple months at a time.

It didn't really occur to me that Jgirl was "one of those" but i guess she had been a dating continuously for the last 5 years...so has my friend the Molester...and my roommate's ex boyfriend from high school hasn't been single since he was 16.

one of the commonalities between my three examples is they have always had people pursue them, not the other way around. Are Marathon Monogamists just hot commodities - great catches - who get scooped up at the first whiff of singleness?

Or is it a self-fulfilling prophecy? Because Marathon Monogamists don't know how to be single, do they exude "available! available!" signals and people pick up on it? And even if they aren't knocked head over heels by these wooers, they date them anyway because relationships are their comfort zones?

I used to think that Marathon Monogamists are the way they are because they don't know how to be single. don't know how to be happy on their own because they haven't done it in so long. and every one of them i've talked to always says after a break-up "i'm glad i'm single. i need to be on my own for a while. i don't want to date anyone for a while. i need to just figure out what i want for myself." and a couple months later, they are in the honeymoon phase of a new relationship.

But maybe it's just a coincidence. Maybe they are actually true romantics in search of the right person and are more willing than others to give it a try. They are those people at the ice cream shop who want to test out all the flavors before they buy one. I know for a fact that Jgirl has been happier in this current relationship than she has been in a long time. Who knows? Maybe she's finally reached the finish line of the race.

I fell off the wagon

My Dell died today and is on its way to greener pastures as we speak. Of course, I went through the normal stages - anger, denial, withdrawal. and now, i'm what you call fallen off the wagon.

it was actually a pretty amazing time - i'm nostalgic already about my time without a computer (okay, so it was only for 6 hours, but i didn't know that at the time). after i sent the laptop off, i became strangely more productive. i made all the phone calls i needed, tidied up my to do lists for the day, finished a few projects in one of the computer labs on campus. maybe it was the lack of distractions of incoming emails (see my first blog posting and you'll understand why), no IMing, no surfing the web for random things like today's weather (which i can argue is necessary in goddamn chicago). but it was just me, alone, without my little beloved dell and i finished more than i ever have in one day.

but of course, that didn't last long. my shivering and sweats got the better of me and i knew i had to do something about it. i got my friend to finagle a loaner laptop for me from our IT department at school and lone behold, i'm at home and back online! i guess you can say i fell off the offline wagon, but damn, it feels so good! my downfall, my obsession. what can ya do?

Blane was dreamy

Pretty in Pink was on TBS tonight. Man, that Andrew McCarthy was hot even though his hair was kind of mop-looking, his name was Blane and he didn't look like he knew how to kiss for shit. But oh-so-dreamy! I think it was the way he said "I believed in you. Always. I love you." Gotta love bad acting and the 80s.

However, I've decided my favorite character was Iona, the older cute best friend of Molly Ringwald. She had awesome outfits. I wish i could pull off white blunt-cut wigs and beehive hairdos like her. http://movies.yahoo.com/shop?d=hc&id=1800032974&cf=mm

Subject: Jousting with Pepper Spray

Ah, the people i know...Subject lines from two emails from friends today:

Subject: Sign up for Gladiator Jousting Tournament
"anyone is welcome to sign up alone or with friends/enemies. Competitors climb onto pedestals armed with spongy batons and try to knock each other off onto a large inflated mattress" - Brandon

Subject: Pepper Spray
"I'm buying one (in preparation for NY), and I found a guy on eBay who sells them for only $5 each. And they have the leather case and everything. I'm getting one, does anyone else want one? Let me know what color you want, black, blue or red." - Angela

Let Boy Girls Be Boy Girls

It's funny - when i was back in california, i never had a problem with boys.

you see, back in the bay area, i was what you might call more of a "Boy Girl." Boy Girls are girls who have a lot of guy friends, or mostly guy friends - guy friends who will shoot the shit with you, tell you about their latest progress with chicks, play poker, not be afriad to be crass or cuss in front of you. They see you more as a friend than a girl and let you in on most of their guy talk.

well, here, at 72/28 business school (that would be the percent of men vs women), somehow it's different. I don't know if it's because we're in the midwest or if i'm surrounded by a lot more investment bankers (i was surrounded by quite a few in cali, i'd argue), but there is a barrier i can't seem to get used to.

some guys i'd like to think are my friends - guys i hang out with, bonded with, joke around with, have fun with - get tightlipped sometimes when i ask about whether they met any cute girls at the bar last night or what's up with their girlfriends (not the same guys doing both, if you are wondering...or are they?). Or i might be sitting in a room with a bunch of the guys and they will start talking about girls, but it's hard for me to just get into the groove of the conversation with them. and i've generally never had this problem.

is it bschool? midwest? or is it just that california guys are just cooler? i'd be open to any theories. :)

No Room for Slackers

At my school, it's all about teams. All our major class projects are done in groups. Which is really great on the one hand, because you learn a lot from diverse backgrounds, learn how to deal with different personalities and work styles. On the other hand, you have to deal with SLACKERS. I hate slackers. Anyone that knows me, knows i hate incompetency - why can't people just get their shit together? It's really not that hard. What can i say - I actually have expectations of people. sure - I have sympathy. family issues, pyschological issues, extreme circumstances aside though, if you sign on for something, do it!

One thing i've noticed and that i've consciously tried to stop doing in these group meetings is tell people how busy i am. it's no excuse. in reality, we're all just as, if not more, busy. like today. we have a 25-page paper due and each of us was responsible for writing a section of the paper. one guy never sent his part to our group - and it was the easiest part! he comes into the meeting talking about how he was busy with rehearsals all weekend, an assignment in operations, blah blah. i thought - man! this must be how i used to sound when i tried to tell people i was busy. in my head, i was thinking, this helped put things in context for people, but in reality, they are just as bad off as me. when he started going off with his excuses, i thought - ang was gone in NY all weekend AND had rehearsals and she got hers done. I was a section leader and helped host 500 prospectives this weekend and had the same assignments as this guy and i got my shit done.

So his excuses fall on deaf ears. and i have no sympathy for slackers. and i won't complain anymore. and he sucks. maybe he should listen to that wise old song when he needs inspiration: "doin' it and doin' it and doin' it well"

Risky Business

and i might just mean reading this blog entry. i just came back from my first lecture tonight for a really great class. it's called Understanding and Managing Risk.

i know - hohum for most ppl. but don't let that deter you from continuing to read (it gets better i promise. okay, i don't promise because that sets too high an expectation. but continue reading if you feel so inclined. ;P). i do recognize that i have now officially become a bschool dork and classes like Strategic Decision-Making and Negotiations sound really interesting to me.

maybe one day i will look back and see it for the warped world that the rest of you see it as. like going to an all-girls school and starting to think the cafeteria guy in the hairnet looks good. but goddamn it - i'm paying a fortune so i better learn something!

anyway, can i just say that my school totally fits my personality? class tonight reinforced that i have made the right choice in coming here. my class tonight is headed by the Dean of my business school and the ex-Dean of my school who basically turned it around to be one of the top 5 in the world. Needless to say they have amazing backgrounds and experiences to learn from. But the killer is: they are nice.

Why i love it here:

• they were talking on a plane one day and decided they should have a class about this at school and decided to put together a curriculum and teach it themselves. how many places have the CEOs of their companies take the time out to teach seminars to employees? it's so great that they want to stay so involved with the students.
• they are the most down-to-earth, humble people ever. you would expect anyone who is this well-connected, accomplished and smart to have an ego walking in the door. these guys hug you at the door (i'm not kidding).
• Along those lines, they are easily accessible. they say things like "come visit me at office hours or send me an email. i have responded to every student who emails me" and "we can't tell students what they should do. students need to do what makes them happy" these are people who meet with CEOs and prime ministers everyday. and they respond to every student email?? The current Dean of our school actually met with me and my research group of 4 people one Saturday morning because we wanted to interview him for a project. And it was easy and non-bureaucratic to schedule. I continue to be so impressed.

So about the class, some interesting ideas (i will save you from the risk angle of these):

• No Longer the New Generation: the new target demographic for company marketing strategies may be our parents or grandparents! First world countries like the U.S. and Japan are facing majorly aging populations. (For example, GM adds $1800 to the cost of each car they produce to pay for their employee pensions and by 2004, Japan's population contained 23,086 people over the age of 100 - growing at a pace of about 3,000 a year!).
• Developing countries have the opposite problem. 68% of India's 1.1 billion people are under the age of 30.
• It's not always about first-mover advantage. "a person is wise when they learn from their mistakes. a person is wiser when they learn from others' mistakes."
• A good idea would be to reduce the number of entertainment options in business class on airlines and put that in economy/coach. why? guy in the middle seat 17B will appreciate 6 movie channels more (and might be more willing to fly your airline) than the business executive in business class working on his laptop anyway.

Okay, i've bored you enough. thanks for getting this far. i was gonna rant about the recent media circuses surrounding Terri and the Pope, but my bf beat me to it on his blog. oh, well. i'm sure i'll find something else to rant about soon enough. gnite.

the point of return

i officially accepted an internship offer today for this summer. it feels like such a load off my back because i really like this position and now i can move on with my plans for the next several months. California - back i come! ironically, that is where my boyfriend currently lives but he will not be there for the summer. ah, such is the hustle and bustle of two busy people in a long-distance relationship.

i'm actually really scared and excited about this job. i decided when i came to business school that i wouldn't get sidetracked with the gazillion amazing opportunities that would be offered at our feet at school. i left one of those opportunities to get here (further validated by my classmates requests to help them land a job in yahoo land) and it's primarily because i really want a job where i can feel like i'm making a real difference. and yes, at yahoo, i was able to touch millions of people each day, but it was different because it's hard to grasp how you are helping millions of people in the amorphous internet sky by providing one company statement after another to reporters.

i want to go into the school system and help fix it. the typical reaction is "oh, so you want to be a teacher?" because that's as deep as most people understand education - either you are a teacher or you aren't and that's "admirable" if you are. but really, the way i see it, to fix a school system is not through teaching - no matter how much teaching talent you have, if you don't have the infrastructure, budget or management in place to provide the appropriate resources to these teachers, you've got nothing. and that's where i feel like i can make a difference.

the scary part is that it almost feels like an all or nothing bet (sorry, my poker references are inevitable) even though i know it's not. this is my one chance to dive in there and see if education is for me. of course in the back of my mind, i think "what if it's not? then what? where do i go from there? i really have no idea" and of course, i always say to myself that i have to at least try or else i'll always wonder! if it isn't for me, there will always be something else. right???

really though, i'm spoiled. i am only in the position to be interested in education and education management because the rest of my hierarchy of needs, as good old Maslow would say, are met. i'm not worrying about putting food on the table. i'm not worried about shelter, money, or even love for that matter. i have all of those things, fortunately. and whichever way you look at it, whether i'm cut out for education or not, i'd still be in a pretty darn lucky situation no matter how i slice it after this is all said and done in terms of my career prospects.

i'll have a degree from the #1 business school in the country, i would have worked at one of the most successful global media/internet companies around and i can pat my head and rub my tummy at the same time. what a steal!

seriously though, i think it's always so easy to lose perspective about how lucky we all are on any given day. i mean if you really want to look at it, i have two working legs, i can see, i can talk and hear fine and i can move my arms and hands as i please. i am lucky. and i count my blessings everyday.