Like Ivy and Leaves on Trees

But, like ivy, we grow where there is room for us. She seemed to have room for me, she never turned away in the pauses that allowed for turning away. She never inquired, but she never recoiled, either. This is a quality that I look for in a person, not recoiling. Some people need a red carpet rolled out in front of them in order to walk forward into friendship. They can't see the tiny outstretched hands all around them, everywhere, like leaves on trees.
- Miranda July, No One Belongs Here More Than You

The Sound of Music

I was sitting on the subway train on the way to the airport today (yes, again!) bobbing my head and bouncing my leg as I listened to Voxtrot on my iPod. I looked around and there were at least 3 or 4 other people wearing their iPods around me, and suddenly I felt a little self-conscious. I was the only one rocking out to my iPod. If it wasn’t for their headphones, you probably wouldn’t have guessed they were listening to music. Then I thought, why do I feel weird about enjoying my music? Shouldn’t that actually be the norm? People should feel like they have the freedom to hum, dance around, bob their heads or whatever else fits with their music of choice. How many times have you had the urge to shake your little groove thing walking down the street or sitting on the train? Why don’t you? Isn’t that the more natural way? So I say we start a movement. Feel self-conscious no longer! Rock your hot lil bod out the next time you feel it in your bones.

K, gotta go - I got a lil dancing to do.

To set the mood, here's some Naturally 7 for those who haven't seen/heard them:

Hey Month

Something significant is happening right now to someone. This person may have dressed for the occasion. This person may have been hoping for this moment all their life. This person may be dreading it like death. This person may not have expected it at all. Somewhere in the world in this minute, a moment has been created. Someone is crying from heartbreak, a first kiss is ignited, a job is lost, a child has been saved. And that’s just today.

In my own little small world of family and friends and moments too, it’s been a month of motley occurrences. For these, I dedicate a shout out of sorts.
-------------------------------------------------------

• She died and was remembered. But we didn’t cry. Enough.
• Guitars were stolen. So were laptops. Twice. In a month. But dignity remains!
• Two engagements. At least. And one still unengagement.
• Love grown stronger.
• Flirting with danger. Inappropriately or appropriately. Still to be decided.
• Older ones gotten sick or have passed on. New ones born.
• Hungry Like a Wolf and Heartbreaker passing through lips.
• Car accident = Post-concussional Syndrome. Excuse me if I’m a little slow. At last, an excuse!
• The start of Matrimony and the completion of Master’s degrees
• Layoffs and Learning to walk all over again (literally)
• Rocking the fake mustaches and suspenders

In a way, the last four weeks were the beginning of so many ends and the end of so many beginnings.

Here’s to the next month.

Peg Me Normal

When a person gets pegged a normal, or “non-dysfunctional” person, it’s funny the way people give them advice. Actually, it’s not funny. I just say that sometimes out of habit. I don’t know why. Funny, eh? See, there I go again.

Anyway, back to the point. As a labeled functional, well-balanced, etc etc person myself, I’ve begun to notice that the advice people give me sometimes isn’t really advice at all. It’s just mirroring what they think they already see in my life.

When I worry about my relationship with my boyfriend, they say,
“But you guys are meant for each other.”
Or “but you guys get along so great.”
Or, “but when I look at relationships, I always measure them against you two.”

Now, my intention is not to, in some lame implicit way brag about my relationship here, but rather to point out –what if we aren’t? What if we have real problems too? What if what you see is what you hope and wish is there because then at least it’s a standard to look to when you can’t find it elsewhere?

This happens in other ways too. When I get stressed out or tired, I tend to absorb and internalize it. In other words, I may look and act calm, but inside, my heart may be racing, my shoulders tense, I am distraught.

When I tell people about feeling stressed or worried, sometimes they say,
“But you can handle it, you will be fine.”
Or “You just don’t need as much sleep. You’ll see. It’s fine.”
Or “You’ve always been able to deal. You’re balanced.”
Some of this may or may not be true – but do they also know that every couple of months or so, I feel adrift, disconnected, want to runaway to something else entirely? That I want to cry sometimes just to get it out, whatever it is?

I wonder if this is how normal people slowly become disconnected with the world. Like those Desperate Housewives types that learn to just act as though they are completely normal and prim and then you find out they were part of an underground prostitution ring or secretly a drug dealer or likes to dress up like clowns or something. And it’s because, over time, they are given a role to play, and they just learn to act out that role and smile because people just expect the expected from them.

Don’t worry – I’m not about to bust out my Pretty Woman act or dress up like a clown. Just offering the perspective that “normal” people don’t really exist. We are all a little unbalanced (and maybe a little strange) in our heart of hearts. There are things in my life, the fire in my loins, that I will probably never talk about with people unless in the most intimate of circumstances, but know that it exists – some of it may be kinda normal or kinda quirky or kinda dark. Things aren’t always what they seem. Just learn to expect that the expected isn’t always.

Motherly

I asked my boyfriend a few years ago, when we first started dating, for one word he’d use to describe me. He said “Motherly.” I nearly flipped out at the time, because, of all the words I wanted my significant other, my lover, my best friend to think of me as when I was 25, one of the last was Motherly. How about hot, smart, beautiful, sparkling, fun, lovable? Ready to devour. To jump the bones of. Okay, these aren’t one word responses and I get carried away, but you get my drift. Come on boyfriend, indulge me a little, you know? But no, he chose Motherly.

But looking back at our last few years together, learning and growing and getting to know each other like second skins in a way that is rare between two people, I have come to the realization that he knew me better than I knew myself. He knew who I was and who I was continuing to become, for the better, before I could even figure it out for myself. Even now, I look at the guy sitting next to me on the plane, an adult in his twenties, doing his sudoku puzzles in the dark, and all I want to do is turn on his seat light for him. Or at least tell him he can turn on the light. It’s right there! See it? Look up! For god’s sake, his vision is going to get shot to hell. With genetics already working against him as an Asian dude wearing glasses, get with it, man (playing warcraft on his lap top an hour ago by the way, but don’t want to perpetuate any stereotypes).

What I’ve learned about what my boyfriend said, what he was trying to say, is that he sees me as someone loving, who inherently and naturally is inclined to just take care of people, want to be there for them, build relationship, camaraderie and love between us and between others. And now, as I near 30, I think that ain’t half bad, coming from someone who loves and wants to spend the rest of his life with me. But that doesn’t mean I still don’t want to be devoured. ;)

what doesn't kill us, makes us stranger

"What doesn't kill us, makes us stranger" - Aeon Flux.

I'm not sure what it was, but something about this quote made me stop for a second. maybe it was because i've come to the conclusion that i like strange people. all of my friends are what you might call on the quirkier end of the scale. but that's what draws me to them. i like that people do practiced duets in karaoke (singing both parts), dress up like ninjas for fun, eat hello kitty chocolate waffles, form a band just so they can play in japan.

or maybe it's because i'm a little weird. my favorite dress at the vivienne westwood exhibit was the bondage dress. i like to eat pineapple with cottage cheese. really though, i think that quote stopped me for a second because i just think it's true.

all the crazy things and hard challenges that we have to go through in life - well, i'm sure we all react in interesting, strange ways. we start to develop our own perspectives in life that aren't quite like anyone else's, simply because of the series of experiences that are unique to you and you alone. "oh, you had pet turtles too?" "but were yours named sam n ella and did they die because they suffocated from water-soaked wheat bread?" "yeah, didn't think so"

and as you get older, as i am sadly, the increase in those unique experiences causes your perspectives to both diverge more, but also find commonality among other quirky-ites. particularly among the curious bunch. maybe the older you get, the quirkier you become. maybe that explains all my strange friends. but man, how fun are they and how much do i love them for it?

Answer: LOTS

heaven would be

a place where alarm clocks get lonely