suck it up

just a reminder when you are having a bad day:

"Times are tough. Times are always tough; the human condition is nasty. The poor are always with us; and the crazy, and the just plain stupid. The viruses are with us too, and pestilence and famine. And the challenge is to approach it all with some kind of grace and some kind of humility. The challenge is to acknowledge that although it is not your fault, it is your responsibility. You are not special; you have not been singled out. Self-righteousness is always misplaced. Plant a tree, dig a well, hug a child, shut up."

-John Carroll, S.F. Chronicle, 5/10/95

weening process

so over the past 3 years or so, i've been really fortunate to have had the opportunity to travel to some really cool places (i.e. egypt, iceland, burma). but i was having a conversation with a friend tonight and the ironic thing is, i'm not really sure if i'm ready yet to do the cross-country thing through the country of which i've spent all the years of my life.

the thing is, i know that i will find a lot of beauty and appreciation in what i will see, in big ways and small. but what i'm not ready for yet, are the looks, stares, and potential harassment that comes with it. i love a lot of things about the u.s. - our rights, standard of living, spirit of innovation and entrepreneurship, diversity. but i also know that there is still a lot of ignorance and intolerance interwoven into that culture, especially when it comes to geographies outside of the coasts and larger cities. and i'm not ready for the country i grew up in to not accept me.

maybe that's me being paranoid or silly. but when my friend was planning his trip across the country, his white friends told him to not go to the deep south and not to do certain things, because, frankly, why put yourself in dangerous situations? (he felt it in some places too)

and for me, as a small asian american women, who would most likely travel with my asian american boyfriend or my small asian american sister, i think i would have to heed to that same advice. part of me thinks, no, if i'm going to do the cross country trip, i want to do it authentically, take in the good and the bad. if i'm going to experience it, why not go to the deep south and see it for what it really is like. but at the same time, the reality of the situation is, maybe i might find myself in a bad situation. am i willing to risk that for the sake of truth and authenticity?

i dunno. i got excited about the trip as my friend dave talked about his experience. he covered the larger cities in each state. memphis, st. louis, etc. and he said he got used to the looks and stares over time.

maybe i'll start with those larger cities. for my first trip around anyways. it's like a weening process. i don't want to give up the feeling of safety and security just yet (and i mean that in an emotional sense too) in the place i grew up and still represent. funny how that works.

hermit days

for those of you who know me, today was of unusual and probably unheard of circumstances. i managed to not leave my house at all - for the whole day. my housemate kept saying, "so what are you up to the rest of the day?" and my answer in the morning, afternoon, and evening was, "nothing. i'm just going to stay at home today." each time, i think she gave me a funny, "haha, i don't believe you" look.

for those of you who don't know, i'm the type of person who is occupied most hours of the day and i revel in cramming in a bunch of activities on the weekends. i am a can't-say-no type of person, and though amazingly fun and fulfilling, i get worn out in roller coaster cycles.

which is why i loved today so much. i stayed in my pjs all day. took care of my bills, signed up for car insurance (go progressive!), did some extracurricular work (boring stuff: work for a board i'm on, admissions stuff for my bschool, etc), some real job work, watched half of Cruel Intentions (a great hermit day guilty pleasure btw), finally cooked a home cooked meal, called my parents.

sitting by the window this afternoon, i realized how much these kinds of days make me happy, just because it lets me take care of things that would otherwise make my life a little crazy. and how worn out i get just from the way my life normally is. and then i was thinking what kind of lifestyle is actually sustainable so that i won't need to crave such days. or would that kind of life be too boring? i feel like i'm constantly fighting that battle to find the right balance and either i'm too restless, lonely or i'm too burnt out from going out. is it just the age i'm at? or is it just me?

either way, i think i will carve out more time for my hermit days. here's to all day in pjs.

Sometimes you just need a little inspiration

Excellence can be obtained
If you care more than others think is wise,
If you risk more than others think is safe,
If you dream more than others think is practical,
And if you expect more than others think is possible.

- Nothing's Impossible: Leadership Lessons from Inside and Outside the Classroom by Lorraine Monroe

Might be a little warm and fuzzy, but in what i do, i need it sometimes to know that the change i'm trying to do is worth it...

new year random musings

ah, with the holidays over and a new year here, so many thoughts have been swimming around in my head. they don't really make any sense together, so i'm just going to list them in no particular order:

random musing #1: dear las vegas

dear las vegas,

i have to be honest with you, i have a love hate relationship with you and i don't know what to make of it. i've seen you three times in the last ten weeks and i feel both sickened and revived as a result. if someone told me that i wouldn't have to see you again in a very long time, i would say that it wouldn't be too soon, but secretly, i'd be saddened by the idea.

i leave you feeling in awe and irritation because you are the only one i know who can bring out regret, thrill, desperation, lust, love, disappointment, relief, envy and a host of other twisted, complex and roller coaster emotions to the many that you greet. it is an amazing thing to see. you are the only one that can bring together in a weekend a bunch of MBAs to play poker, teachers, russian mafia, ghetto gangsters, porn stars, celebrities and computer geeks. who does that? it's the power, addiction, unadulterated gluttony and even simple old-fashion fun that you offer. are you good for me? doubtful. but i think about how many unique, crazy memories you have brought me and it's hard to think that any other place could ever do the same.

with that, i have to leave you and though regrettably, i have to say that i can't see you for a while. my mind, heart and pockets can't afford to. i mean, really, did you have to let that guy pull a straight on the river against my pocket rockets?

random musing #2: Bingo! It's family time

family is a funny thing. i feel like it's been this complex, slow process of learning to understand them as i would any of my friends. i feel like for a really long time, i never really appreciated having family around the way i do today. growing up, i was just barely able to figure out what the heck i was doing let alone ruminate about the role my family had in that. college was the first time i missed my parents. and started to really appreciate them for their love and thoughtfulness. but home was like freeze tag. when i went home, my personal life in SF felt like it was just put on hold. i disappeared into this vortex of my parents house, good food, watching tv with my sis, wearing the clothes around the house that i would never ever wear in the company of anyone else. then, i would return to my apartment in SF and things resumed again with my friends, social events, job and everything else in this separate life.

it took a while for me to learn how to make those two worlds intersect. over the last several years, i have started to talk to my parents more about my love life, my friends, my issues with work. asking their opinions, hearing their opinions even when i don't ask. but they surprise me at every phase. they have actually been really cool (for the most part). in a capacity i never would have guessed - i certainly didn't give them the credit they deserved for what i thought they could and couldn't take knowing about.

and now in this past year, marked by this past holiday especially, i have also come to realize and truly appreciate the quirkiness and uniqueness that my family offers to me regularly. for the same reason i love my friends - who share my love for the quirky details of life that to most would seem unremarkable - i have found in my family the same sort of appreciation and for things that i know only my family would find enjoyable.

though other people may or may not find this AWESOME, here is an example from xmas:
we played family bingo co-constructed by yours truly and my sister and cheesy as it sounds, it was so much fun. now, as context, my family is NOT the game-playing type. there is no presence of charades, pictionary or cards of any sort at any family gathering - at least not with the "adults". thus, the decision to try and infiltrate with a game of low barriers - bingo. i mean, who wouldn't/couldn't play that?

we cut up little square pictures of each of our relatives and had them all glue them on a grid in different sequences. my dad, the designated bingo master (who btw, surprisingly totally got into it) would then pull picks out of a hat and yell things like, "uncle paul!" to get crossed out - with background mutterings of things like "i just need a diana or a jason and i'm done!" my mom was the true instigator in this whole thing when she first mentioned, "i want to make some fun this year - let's do a raffle or something and i will find things for a gift basket." "things" would later be defined as random things like dried shrimp, a potholder set and green tea. but hey, fun we did and perhaps it has even set a new tradition. go family bingo, go.

i think we've found a new tradition.

random musing #3

a recent experience has really gotten me to think about what my relationships mean to me at this point in my life right now.

my boyfriend and i talk about this all the time - i think we're both the type of people who really enjoy the company of a lot of different types of friends. i'm not the sort of person who has 5 close-knit friends with whom i hang out with every single weekend, like on Friends. i am also not the type of person who says, "i have enough friends. i don't need to invest in meeting anymore people."

part of what i enjoy most in my life is the connections i make with people - and i mean that to be relationships, acquaintances, conversations i've had with people i'll never see again, a chat with the guy next to me at a poker table in vegas. there are really so many people out there to meet, get to know, learn from, grow with. why not hear about it and get to know more? they can only bring more insights and perspectives to my life. i'm not saying that i want to be best friends with all of them. you can know people on many different levels and to varying capacities. but there's a lot of value that a person can get by being open to that.

however, at the same time, i am conflicted because i am so over trying to be friends with people who aren't themselves. being in vegas this last weekend magnifies that. why do people care about "the scene" or expensive things or hanging out with people they don't even really like? life is so short that to do that seems so silly to me.

it takes a lot of reflection and nurturing to get to a point where you are really comfortable with who you are. and i feel like many people still don't take the time to do that (or maybe are afraid to) and busy themselves with all these other inconsequential things (reminds me of the little prince - tangent sorry). but knowing who you are (or not knowing) affects every interaction you have, person you meet and thing you do. to me, it's more important than anything else - it's the foundation to which all other things are laid and relationships are made. at the end of the day, it is through that basis that you, at the end of your life, will say, these are the things that i chose to spend my time with/doing. am i happy with that?

i ask myself that question often, just as a check to see if what i'm doing with my life are the right things. so far so good. but it's always good to keep asking...

some gems

some great quotes from my most recent vegas trip:

"the disfigured russians are all over the place. we better get out of here"

question: "were there furries at the porn convention?"
answer: "no, just the easter bunny"

friend: "wow, the elevator goes down so fast."
12-yr old girl in the elevator: "it's called inertia. i learned it in science."

For pure promotion of my boys, some pics of them in action at the MBA poker tournament (top, my friend HotC placed 9th; bottom, my friend Nips placed 12th - woohoo!)